Small Time (Man U … 3 RANGERS … 0)

Curious experience tonight. A wee role reversal. To explain:

For the best part of the last fifteen years, and certainly for the last two years, our reading of most newspaper match reports has been aflicted by various SPL managers slandering their players for “just not turning up”.

Your Bobby Williamsons, Ebbe Skovhdahls, Jim Jeffries(s..!) etc have all watched their sides slaughtered on more than a few occasions at Ibrox and, while we read our Sunday sports supplements (or our Sunday Sports), gloating over yet another four or five goal romp, we never really pay too much attention when the usual “It’s hard enough coming to Glasgow to face the Old Firm but if you don’t even TRY to compete …” quote meanders into the column inches.

At most we’ll smugly think “don’t kid yerself, baw-heid - you were outclassed by the better side - your guys didn’t play because The Rangers just wouldnae LET them play”. And that is the precisely the way most non-Rangers punters will view what I’m about to say about The Teds’ latest Champions League humping. How strange it is to be on the other side of that wee scenario.

Ye see, I’m not saying we were ever likely to beat Man U at Old Trafford but, as Ebbe, Bobby, Jimbo et al would say at their most perplexed, tonight MY TEAM WERE BEAT BEFORE THEY EVEN STARTED!

Case in point: We’re being told Diego Forlan did in this second leg of the Battle of Britain (could we PLEASE think up another name for a cross-border clash) as Phil Neville did in the first. Namely, he put Man U 1-0 up after five minutes with a stunning goal. Neville ran half the length of the pitch, holding off countless defnders with his skill, strength and pace before slipping an exquisite shot past Klos. Forlan blasted in a gloriously difficult volley from the edge of the box. BOLLOX!

Neville, P simply got his head down and sprinted unhindered as The Gers defence backed off him benevolently, almost subserviently. Diego Forlan played in the last World Cup finals - if he cannae hit a ball on the volley when there’s no opposition player in sight then he shouldnae get a game for Auchinleck Talbot … reserves … in training.

In the first encounter with Man U we played with gusto but bottled it in front of goal. Tonight we just bottled it full stop (that’ll be a bottle-stop then). United are a great side, yes, but East Stirling are a great side when the opposition can’t play a ball to feet, give the ball away as soon as they find some space and - OH, FOR THE LOVE OF GORAM - can’t get ONE, SINGLE, FLIPPIN’ SET-PIECE ball on target. (okay, Michael Ball managed to force one save at “Howard’s End” but, that apart, we had as much chance of connecting a dead ball with another Rangers player’s feet or head as EM Forster had of producing a plot-driven detective novel set in New York’s lower East side).

I’m sat here finding it curious as to what it’s like being the supporter of the smaller team bemoaning my players’ lack of character. But why the hell didn’t the Rangers players seize the chance to turn another one of those infamous Provincials-v-The Old Firm conventions on it’s head? Every bl**dy year, on at least half a dozen occasions, we have to watch endless nobodies - teams and individual players - who are crap against the Motherwells and Dundees of the world, come to Ibrox and suddenly start playing the games of their lives … as if their lives depended on it. The words “Aberdeen” and “Jess” should convey exactly the nature of the phenomenon to which I refer. For younger viewers, “Grady” and “Ayr/Partick” might do the trick.

Why the hell couldn’t The Gers, tonight, have at least shown some underdog spirit? Yeah, we’re used to being the big guns but should we not then have enjoyed a trip to Old Trafford as a rare opportunity to play with nothing to lose? I wasn’t expecting us to win - no-one was - but I certainly wasn’t expecting us to play as if we WANTED to avoid victory. Our men visibly wanted to remove themselves as far as possible from the levels of emotional invemstment and physical energy which competing with Manchester United would have involved..

Mo Ross goes in two-footed on Roy Keane. Fantastic. Superb. That’s how I imagined Rangers would approach this game: ie ” F*ck it - we might well come away with nae points but we’ll make these bustards earn it the hard way”. Trouble is, Mozza’s tackle came with EIGHTY FIVE MINUTES GONE and The Gers 3-0 DOWN! Too little too late - leaving us looking as if it isn’t just our domestic league which is too wee but the attitude of our team too.

Ach, what the hell … let’s try and drag a reason for optimism out of this thoroughly underwhelming night. Don’t worry, I’m not gonnae give it “if we beat Stuttgart away and Panathinaikos at home then Man U only have to DRAW with the Germans to put us through because we’ll have a better head-to-head record in the tie for second place”. Nah - I’m thinking there’s only hope in the long term so, try this on for size, even if it is just as contrived as the “Ways to finish second in Group E” essay:

Exactly 23 years to the day before our first match with Man U, at Ibrox, Aberdeen lost 1-0 at home to Liverpool in the European Cup, to a goal scored after just five minutes.

On 5th November 1980 Liverpool were 2-0 up against the then Scottish champions by half-time in the second leg. This was a Liverpool team in the middle of a run of five European cup finals in eight years. This was an Aberdeen side whose relatively young manager had won his first championship with them only the previous season.

Although the sheep-worriers eventually lost their second leg by 4-0, the parallels with Rangers’ two meetings with Man U are inimicable. A promising manager and a promising team are brought crashing back to earth by the reigning masters of the English game and one of the best sides on the planet.

Bob Paisely, the Liverpool manager back in 1980, didn’t say one bad word about Aberdeen before those games. But he singled out a young winger called Gordon Strachan for special praise, hinting he would even like to sign him for the Anfield Reds.

Strachan then insisted on trying to beat five men every time he got the ball against Liverpool, totally ruining the Pitoddrie side’s chances of building up any fluency. Notice how Sir Alex Ferguson this week sang the praises of Mikel Arteta? Nitice how Arteta couldn’t hit the side of a barn with a cross ball tonight?

A certain Alex McLeish played for Aberdeen in those matches twenty three years ago. After our poor showing in Lancashire, some will say that, in terms of managing a decent European side, Eck’s still just playing at it.

However, the out-classed Aberdeen manager in 1980 was, of course, a certain Alex Ferguson - now a man with two Cup-Winners’ Cups, two Super Cups and one Champions League Cup to his name. Let’s hope Eck continues to follow his mentor’s footsteps so accurately.