Hullo! Hullo! - We are the CONDOM boys!

I myself did not have the great pleasure of heading over to bonnie Deutschland for this particular Euro tie but I was in Berlin for a week’s holiday less than a month ago.

While the capital of Germany is at the opposite end of the country from Stuttgart, I did notice one particular cultural detail which, one would assume, is nationwide in it’s influence.

Despite being a happily and faithfully married man, it was still somewhat difficult for me NOT to notice - when utilising the toilet facilities of the various Cat Stevens-playing bars my good lady wife and I took the time to visit - the name of the most popular brand of condom filling those much maligned dispensers in the Little Herren’s Room.

A jaunty cartoon of a cheery pink prophylactic, complete with arms, legs and cheery smile, waved his little rubber arms under an equally garish rendering of the phrase “Billy Boy”. I looked once, slyly. I looked for a second time, amazedly - and a third glance confirmed that, yes indeed, In Germany, the nickname oft applied to ourselves as Gers fans - BY ourselves - is the name of a major brand of condoms. Needless to say - I missed the urinal.

So, as if last night’s result wasn’t bad enough, I just hope to hell none of the home fans in the Gottlieb Daimler could discern the lyrics of a song from the away corner. Hullo, Hullo - we are the Durex boys. Just doesn’t have the same ring to it. Particularly ironic also when we remember just how little protection Mozza Roass and Vanoli were able to provide Stefan Klos at the goal.

In fact, that’s a point: Stefan Klos! Christian Nerlinger … Jorg Albertz!! Have they never thought to tell us! All our German players have shunned a responsibility here. Every time Ibrox works itself into a choral frenzy they must have thought, particularly as their ears became more accustomed to the nuances of Glaswegian-Scottish-English, “what the hell are these people talking about? Why are they so eager to boast about being CONDOMS??!! Just what exactly is it they’re “up to their knees in” then?? Ich nicht want to know!”

I mean, we’ve played more teams from Germany than anywhere else in Europe down the years so every time our punters let rip in Moenchengladbach, Munich, or Berlin (the song wasn’t invented when we played Vorwarts … was it??!!), the home fans would have been pi**ing themselves.

Oh god - the embarassment. Kaiserslautern, Leverkusen, Dusseldorf - sheeezus - the German crowds must have been asking themselves “What is it their fathers wore?!!”, “What’s that? - ‘ with heart in hand and sword and SHEATH ‘??” “I don’t know who Old Derry is and I really don’t care if he is or isn’t guarding his balls!!” “What are they singing now? -’ We are Rangers, super Rangers … ribbed for her pleasure, we don’t care’?”

Cologne … Dortmund … Och, naw! We even played a European final in Nuremberg!! Oh sod it - I’m not thinking about this anymore. Yes, troops, I’m just gonnae rubber it. Who mentioned Jerry Helmets?

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Published:
11.27.03 / 4pm
Category:
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