Ferguson carries Douglas and MacNamara at San Siro

See the England - Northern Ireland game? What a nightmare!!! I mean - who do you support?!! They’re both soooo proddy, it’s confusing.

Luckily there were no such problems during the Israel-Eire game on channel 5. An occupying force which is ghettoising the indigenous peoples - Shalom! Shalom! We are the Hebrew boys!

And then we get to the main event. Scotland going to a right cafflik country like Italy - a country full of tims such as Rino Gattusso, Lorenzo Amoruso, Sergio Porrini , Marco Negri etc. Yeeuuch! What a horrible strip they Italians have too - Blue shirt with white shorts - sooooo cafflik. Apparently the “azzuri” strip is taken from the colours of the Royal House of Savoy - sounds a bit “royalist” to me … well, what do you expect from a bunch of … oh no - wait a minute - that’s noh right …

Anyway. Scotland did well. When you’re actually able to recall two gilt-edged chances against Italy, away, and from them you can then present an almost believable argument that Scotland could have escaped with a point …well, that, in our present circumstances, is a result and a half.

Of course it wouldn’t have happened. It didn’t happen. End of. If we had scored, Italy would simply have upped it a notch and grabbed another. To rip the p*ss out a John Lennon quote, “Ifs” and “buts” are like “making plans” - they’re the things we do while real life is happening. Italy are, like Germany, Argentina and Brazil, the very epitome of football’s harsh realities. They kept a clean sheet and Andrea Pirlo established some sort of unique record - scoring identical, beautiful, free kicks against two different keepers in the same game.

Italy were a class apart and they were a class apart in second gear. We’d never have won or even taken a point - but the need for perspective isn’t all one way. I’m not just dampening optimism here.

I go to most Scotland home games. I was at the Hampden debacles against Slovenia and Norway. I was at the Friendly against Hungary. A total of four goals against and none for. For us to take that “form” to the Mecca of Calcio and escape with anything less than a 5-0 gubbing would have been commendable enough.

I also watched Wales playing Italy in the EURO 2004 qualifiers in the very same stadium. Also live on the beeb, I watched the Welsh side which destroyed Scotland 4-0 at Cardiff being destroyed 4-0 themselves by an Azzuri side which they’d gone toe-to-toe with for much of the game. A few months after this I also watched the full ninety minutes of Scotland losing 6-0 away to Dick Advocaat’s Holland.

So it’s not OTT to claim anything less than 5-0 last night would indeed have been beyond expectations. That Kenny Miller is today feeling like he cost us a point because he couldn’t convert a beautiful through ball from Barry Ferguson is the kind of pain I like. There’s no humiliation - that’s the kind of pain which, worryingly, this footbaling nation seems to accept far more readily.

Should Nigel Quashie have hit his shot lower? Makes no difference - Buffon would have saved it anyway. He was picking them off the line against Real Madrid a few days ago - I’m just glad Scotland forced him into a great save. When he comes to Hampden - THEN I’ll be upset if he’s not picking one out the back of the net. Remember, Italy have never scored in Scotland! (While forgetting Scotland have only scoed once against Italy in Scotland).

For now, though, we have to judge things in the dark light of Berti Vogts’ reign. Only losing 2-0 in the San Siro is quiet a bl**dy improvement.

On the night I thought Barry Ferguson, Kenny Miller, Steven Pressley and Rino Gattuso were stand-outs. Rab Douglas and Jackie MacNamara were an absolute disgrace - as was Paul Hartley, almost. On teh bench, Walter SMith, Ally McCoist and Jim Stewart seemed to be dispensing fantastic, inspirational advice while Tommy Burns just stood there like a dummy …

NYAAAAAAH! Got ye! Easter Fool!

Big Rab was fu**ing outstanding. It was a real blow when he went off. If it hudnae been for the big fellah getting in a few superb, goal-stopping saves early on then we really could have been onto one of those 4,5 or 6-goal humpings we were talking about. Barry was largely absent for the first half - when MacNamara was definitely taking the battle to the Italians at any opportunity he got.

Hartley did really well for a debut - just like Walter, but the whole team can be proud of themselves, Yes, Pressley, Webster and Weir did particularly well to hold off the attacking genious in front of them but my Man Of The Match - for Scotland - was Big Nige Quashie. In the end, Italy didn’t walk all over us - they had to rely on their technical brilliance to conjure up two exceptional goals. That’s why they’re better than us AND they had a few salient absentees - but I’m just glad we didn’t help them in any way whatsoever.

The tartan Army? for once I was quite enjoying listening to “Doh, A deer” - it had to go on for about twenty minutes before the thoroughly disinterested locals raised an “EE-TAL-YA! EE-TAL-YA!” And how funny was the guy on the curva with the Scotland top and Italy scarf who simply flashed his jersey in the middle of the battling and both the polis and Ultras happily avoided sconing him while they ladled into each other. There really IS such a thing as an innocent bystander who doesnt get caught up!

The most pathetic bit was when they had Kheredine Idesane reporting from trackside on the trouble with the Ultras and the police. “So called fans”. “I use the term ‘fans’ advisedly”. Give us a break, ya cretin. When will folk over here - especially “so called journalists” - start realising that in Italy they have a lot more respect for their Ultras than we do over here. The attitude to the people who keep football alive is a lot less hypocritical in Italia than in this Island Nation. The clubs here demand our loyalty at every turn but then disown us when that loyalty leads to us boooting fu** out someone or something. The Italians at least wait until it’s a quiet night at the San Siro, against a sh*t team, before they start sorting out their domestic issues - when they need to unite against a seriously threatening fotball foe then that’s what they do.

Here’s hoping when they come to Hampden we are that foe.