Burn the season tickets - a “Francis” will play for Rangers!!!

Yes, troops , Trevor Francis was one thing - that’s a surname. Purchasing Seb Rozenthal from a team called Universidad CATTOLICA another thing. Even Gabriel Amato blessing himself as he took the Ibrox pitch was endurable: These sun-tanned foreign blokes don’t really count - they’re ALL Catholics in them warm countries anyway. Maurice Johnston? So what? He couldnae even cross himself correctly and, more to the point, his name didnae sound very cafflik.

What I want from The Rangers is a few Transfer Deadline Day signings of men called “Forbes Mason”, “Angus Alexander” or “Archibald Rotweiller”. But naw! Whit dae we get? Francis Jeffers.

That’s right - you heard me - “Francis” Jeffers.

fu**ing FRANCIS!!!!???!!!

Well, crumple my apron and rinse the slavers oot mah flute!! What the fu** is going on, Gers???!!!

Aye - fair enough - we need a striker. Yeah - okay - he may be worth taking a chance on, and yup, I loved seeing our name on the “Breaking News” running banner line on Sky Sports News tonight (we under-scored the Michael Owen press conference at Newcastle: About as close as we’ll get to making headlines with a truly World Class striker) but when The Rangers sign a bloke named after St Francis of fekin Assisi, I really want him to have done more than be a child prodigy who didnae make it at Arsenal after an �8M transfer from Everton.

I mean WHAT THE HELL do we call this bloke?? “Frankie”? “Franny”? - In the name of Ian Paisley, it’s gettin worse!! - “Fran”?

“Fran”!!! (Gag!) Think I’m gonnae boke all over my sash …

Fortunately, he has been capped by England - land of the Three Lions, the UK Parliament, The Queen (Gawd bless ‘er) - but only once. That’s not enough to justify bringing in a bloke with the kind of moniker which rings out in “Bar 67″ and “Fealtes” every drunken night of the Republican week.

“Awn yersel’ Franny boy …” OH. MY. GOD. Never did we think we’d hear that shouted from anywhere in Ibrox other than the Broomloan Road stand.

Hopefully his injury worries are behind him. He flopped at Arsenal, was loaned back to Everton and ended up at Charlton, where he’s also failed to set the heather on fire. He’s still only 24 and the drop from Premiership to SPL certainly worked for a few players in the past but I’m not convinced … about his “Christian” name. It’s simply UN-Nicknameable, at least not without connotations of white socks, slip-on shoes, grey fake-leather jerkins and 40-year-olds sporting an ear-ring and a greying mullet because they still want to look like Bono, circa the Boy and October albums.

We’ll have to get to work sraight away on hailing - erm - I mean - CALLING our biggest profile signing of the day by some amendment of his surname. “Jeffs”?? Yes - that’s it! - from henceforth he shall be known as “Jeffs” … but I can still see all the “Saint Francis saves Rangers” headlines … I’ve still had to let the Ibrox hierarchy know of my Loyal displeasure.

And ye cannae even burn yer season ticket these days. There I was, tonight, outside the Main Doors on Edmiston Drive (”Edmiston Drive”!! - now there’s a Good Christian and Middle name for my next born - hope she likes it), Bowler hat askew, umbrella lying in the gutter, determined to give those Daily Record photographers a good show of staunch defiance: I wanted the flames to burn as high as any of those which ended the lives of so many Protestant martyrs from the 16th century onwards. But have you ever tried burning a modern Ibrox season ticket - the bloody “smart card”? Fu**ing plastic! Took me four packes of Swan Vestas and three re-fills of the lighter just tae get it heated up enough to, well, melt a wee bit.

Worse that that, Frankie boy was donning the Blue Gersey up at Murray Park. So no photographers for me. The club moves its PR from Govan to Milngavie and the soul of The Rangers is suitably suburbanised: As Frankie Boy smiled for the MASSed ranks of the media, I was left all alone on the South Side … with a slightly buckled leaf of white plastic in my hand.

Kyrgiakos is back. Thank fuck. Tried and tested and a success. All this bollox from a few “No Surrender” merchants about “lack of loyalty” is laughable - every player at The Brox is trying for as much dough as he can get and I’m not about to knock back a quality player who knows his way round the SPL and the Champions League … as well as the odd domestic Cup Final. A Champion is back with the Champions. For a year anyway.

Mozza Ross - all the best at Hillsbrough, mate. You gave it yer all and I’m glad ye got yer goal in that same final as big Sotirios - you deserve a special memory like that for all the loyalty you showed a club whose more knee-jerk supporters often made you one of their hollaring victims.

Zurab - hope it works out at Blackburn and that loan deal becomes permanent: We just never got along, mate - you were in severe danger of going the same way as Mozza Ross, a guy who’d be barracked before ye even had the chance to make the mistakes ye were inevitably gonnae make.

Dragan Mladenovic? You were a good buy on paper. But I saw ye in the flesh … just - and that was a very bad buy. You were reasonably involved and tidy when we beat Killie at Rugby Park last winter but, erm, that was it - all the best but I’m glad yer gone. We had to pay you off and that’s a mega failure on the part of Rangers FC. What a waste of dough.

HEY - it’s only 9:44PM as I type this. Some of they other rumours could yet come true. Lovenpants could be off to the Bundesliga (WHY would Werder Bremen want Pete when they have Klasnic and Klose??!!), Julian Agahowa could arrive from Donetsk (Knee injury? No fu**ing wonder with those celebrations! If I attempted ONE summersault I’d snap my vertebrae never mind my knee-caps) and Ball could be a Premiership player, off our wage bill to allow us to keep it cost-effective as we augment the defence with Soti and the attack with Fran… Frani … JEFFS. All this and more could happen by Midnight. We’ll reconvene on Thursday evening , troops, to complete the full round-up of ins and outs..

And not even a hint of a Klos move. If Stef goes in the next few hours I want Shevchenko or Kaka signing on the Ibrox dotted before the last second of August 2005 has evaporated!

NEWSFLASH - 10:44 PM and Michael Ball is indeed offski the wage bill. But not to The Premiership - he’s away to PSV Eindhoven … and not on no loan deal either. I’m Assuming this was all but a done deal before we got Jeffers or Sotrios (and I’m betting that means Ian Muray is at left back from here on in or we’re planing to play 3-5-2 most games) but, if not, there could be another signing before midnight with the Ball money … jings, i’m scraed to go to bed in case I miss owt!

The Net debt is down from �73.9M to a tiny �23M - in the space of a year (or so). In fact, now we’ve got Charlie Adam off the wage bill for a year - good luck at Love Street, Charles - that should be us breaking even!! That David Murray, eh! Doesn’t give a fu** about Rangers, eh? I might not like what he says about certain journalist but The Big Murray Mint is the only man for me when it comes to running my favourite institution.

Although … I think he could have checked out Jeffs’ first name before he let McLeish sully our squad list …

Or maybe I’m just pissed off because Frankie’s second name isn’t LAMPARD.