Lunch date with history

H,E,A. R,T,S. If you cannae spell it then here’s what it says: It says “The times they are a-changin’”.

It IS interesting - it IS exciting. To see Hearts running away with the SPL after seven games, is pretty damned envigorating for any true fan of the Scottish game. Their re-branding as TRUE CONTENDERS is The most exciting aspect of this Saturday’s lunch-time clash of the titans -only JUST edging out the Andy Davis factor.

But we’ve been through this topic on this here site once already this season. As we’re now due to go head-to-head with the Jambolinos, I’ve shoved a repeat of my piece on the Maroon renaissance (posted just before we were due to lose 3-2 at Ayburdeeeeen last month) at the foot of this mini-rant. Scroll down and have a look at that right noo for all the scene-setting you need.

Yes, there is the bad blood over the way our last visit to Tynecastle was settled. It wisnae a penalty when big Sotirios went “seagull” in the area in the last-minute of a game in which we’d generally struggled, had just been pegged back to 1-1 and needed to win to keep ourselves in the Championship driving seat. But the Sash-wearing, bowler-hatted linesman, Mr Andrew Davis of Larkhall, knew the script.

Those SFA conspirators - who also gave Neil Lennon a far harsher sentence than he deserved this week - with a face like that the guy’s been punished enough! - always ensure Rangers get every decision we need. The fact we eventually won the league by a single point from St Celtic merely throws the Masonic plot into starker relief.

Yes, there is also the new bad blood - well, more a kind of “slightly misbehaving blood” - over The Jambos plans to suddenly slash our ticket allocation for our next visit to Tynecastle: We sold out the buggers’ away end for YEARS, without fail. During times when their own fans were so sick of a board which had Hearts on the verge of financial meltdown, ourselves, Hibs and smelltick would be their only guaranteed source of a big pay-day. They get a wee bit of financial backing themselves and suddenly they don’t want our company!

Well, I hope we STUFF THE BAMPOTS and start a Gorgie dip in form so terminal they’ll be pleading to play us at MURRAYFIELD on the March day we go to Edinburgh to WIN THE BLOODY LEAGUE, so 60,0000 Gers fans can once again bail them out the bankruptcy courts!!

Nah - only kidding - see below for why I want the Hearts to do well.

But NOT against us.

“Provincials” splitting the Old Firm is GOOD - as long as we’re on the top half of the split. I’m up for the fifties and early sixties returning … just for a year or two. But I ain’t up for the early-mid-eighties returning. I want Rangers winning regular titles and celtic winning all but NANE. I want lots of other clubs shoving Celtic down to the bottom of thr SPL but I want Rangers to always be the favourites to win it.

And I want Hearts leathered this Saturday. By Rangers. Just to make it clear how things are supposed to go for the next decade or two.

Hearts are cruising - they’re not bothered at going out the League Cup to no-hopers on Wednesday. Rangers aren’t cruising and we are bothered by the way we STAYED in the League Cup against no-hopers, on Tuesday.

Hearts haven’t faced a real test so far in the SPL this campaign - we are that first real examination of their credentials. Alex McLeish isn’t convincing anyone he’s ready to take Rangers to a new level of dominance - this is the best test yet of whether he can manage that.

The reigning champions vist the pretenders to the throne.

With all this riding on it, Hearts at Tynecastle, for the first time in forty-odd years, is NOT routine enough to be totally overshadowed by the prospect of Inter at the San Siro four days later.

You can’t say fairer than that.

And now, as promised, a wee repeat of why I like seeing Hearts doing so well: And you’ll notice how the first sentence of this “repeat” is still as bloody relevant now as it was a month ago…!

================

…Even the fact we’re not top of the table isn’t as depressing as it should be. For once, for the first time in a decade, it’s not only celtic we have to be mindful of when looking at the other results. Be careful what you wish for they say, because ye might just get it: Celtic finishing third this year would be lovely - but not quite so lovely if those new, improved Gorgie men ruin it all by pushing us into second! Ah mean, it’s pyoor noh fair by the way - Hearts are just trying to BUY the title!!! … That’s OUR job!

Panagiotis Fyssas. Did we make a bid for him at some point? Nah? Well, the 32-year-old Greek defender must be the only member of the EURO 2004-winning team Rangers haven’t been linked with in the last few months.

Anyway, he looks like the kind of bloke McLeish would have in our squad - and he’s just signed for Hearts. There, he’ll team up with Andy Webster, a fine international centre-half … who Hearts wouldn’t sell to us this summer, despite him going in a big huff during the Gorgie side’s tour of Eire (Taking a strop in the republic is always a good way of endearing yerself to The Gers, eh! Oh yes, we are so sectarian:-)).

We struggled in all our games against the Jambolinos last season. In one of our trips to Tynecastle - Celtic fans will maybe vaguely remember this - we only escaped with all three points because we were awarded a fairly controversial penalty in the last minutes of the game. Hearts two trips to Ibrox were very dodgy affairs for us and, going back further, they even finished off our 2003/2004 season by smacking us 1-0 in Govan.

They’ve been a solid side for over a year - now they’re taking it to another level. And right now, I have to admit, I’m more fascinated than scared. I’m almost cheering them on.

“Hey, Fat Eck - Say it ain’t so! Did you just say you’re almost cheering on the Jambos? But - gee - aint you a Rangers fan. I don’t getcha? Please explain.”

Well, Billy Bob, it’s a long but simple story:

Believe it or not, I do actually LOVE Scottish Football. I don’t mean “Love” in the Hollywood, multi-orgasmic, one-liner, perfect teeth, fantastic bodies, no wet patch, happily-ever-after sense. I mean I love Caledonian Calcio in a tap ye money, tell ye when yer talking shite, hawd ye up when yer pished, make-sure-ye’ve-always-got-new-shoes-for-school type of way. I do have a real interest in the state of the game up here. And I do like to see all our sides doing well in Europe - except celtic. Sorry. No point pretending. Although I do take a strange, dirty, furtive, anti-English, talking-to-continentals pride in their successes abroad ONCE they’re achieved .

What I also can’t help finding thrilling is that Hearts and Hibs used to win the league. The games against these clubs are loaned a certain gravitas because the teams from the capital do have a history to be proud of … and, barring the occasional design calamity, a pair of darn classy strips. Furthermore, I still find it something of a privelege that I pubesced as a football fan during the period in which Dundee United and Aberdeen won four league titles betwene them in six years. In a strange, detached way, I almost wish non-Old Firm teams could win the league more often … if only they could somehow do it without preventing Rangers winning the league. Know what I mean? Nah … fair enough.

It’s called moving the Old Firm to England.

(Although, personally, I’d rather it was just us, and that Celtic simply went out of existence. Sorry Bhoys and Ghirls - I really can’t abide yer club because it brings out the worst in me and my fellow fans sometimes. Sorry - I know it’s selfish but you’ll all have to find someone else to support soon. I’m working on a plan … and once yer gone, I can start to be sentimental about yese and actually grow to LIKE Celtic …retrospectively … and discover how many TRUE Rangers fans there are … ye know, the ones who love Rangers more than they hate Celtic.)

So - EHHHHNEEEEEWAY- it’s great to see the Jambos signing all these players, battering in eight goals in their first two SPL games and sailing to the top of the table on goal difference from ourselves. Don’t like what they did to John Robertson but George Burley has started off well enough after leaving the sixth biggest league in Europe (the Coca Cola Championship) to give a vote of confidence to the SPL.

Okay, maybe it was more a vote of confidence in the new Hearts owner’s wallet than in the SPL but we ain’t gonnae ever go down that route on this site, the route of slagging ANYONE for splashing the cash. We arra Peepelle … in glass houses. And wasn’t it embarrassing to listen to Man U and Arsenal fans slandering Chelsea’s Premiership success as “soulless”. Vladimir Romanov is indeed the Roman Abramovich of Scotland. Rather than buying either of the country’s top two clubs, like his Russian counterpart, Lithuanian Romanov has gone for one which is always sniffing about third place and which is itself tradition laden. For Chelsea’s 1955 title triumph read Hearts memories of 1960.

What’s more, to repeat something I mention often on this site, Hearts have the potential for massive support. It can’t be as big as it used to be - I remember them filling the Broomloan and overspilling into the Enclosure and Govan during their tragic 85/86 season but that campaign killed it for a lot of Jambos - but they can still sail past Hibs and Aberdeen to give us a run for our money.

We don’t go to Tynecastle for a while and, sure as death, the moment we do have to go toe-to-toe with anyone else for the league title it will re-direct my Celtic myopia towards them and I’ll suddenly find reasons to snipe at Hearts. God knows they already have plenty reasons to be miffed at us (Andy Davis and 130 years of being bigger than them). But right now it’s just such a bloody lovely change to be looking over our shoulders at someone other than Smelltick.

Before Fergie McCann arrived with his money, Hearts and Aberdeen launched a few phoney wars against our quest for Nine In A Row. Even Motherwell had a shot at second place. But, basically, for the last ten years there’s been no-one between us and the smell. I’d like that to change. Unlike a lot of Rangers fans I know, I detest all-or-nothing Old Firm games. The passion which is obviously derived from hoping yer team doesnae lose to another big footballing rival is twisted into more fuel for the “sectarian” delusion so many old firm fans still celebrate. Aberdeen-Rangers is hate-filled because of footballing history - when it’s Celtic we all decide there’s more to it. Wrong. With Hearts it would be back to football again.

Don’t get me wrong, this weekend my “other scores” priority is still to see Celtic slip up at home to Falkirk (just as they did when we won the league at Pittodrie in 1987) but I’ll also be mindful of what’s going on at Tannadice. I remember well that game in the 85/86 season when Robbo and Sandy Clark scored as the Jambos won 3-0 on Tayside. The most memorable thing was the way the travelling support took over half the ground - little knowing what would eventually happen to them a wee bit further up the street a month later. Hearts were massive then and, playing in that smart new Lithuanian-style Hummel strip they can be massive again. I just hope they stay between us and the hooped herberts.