“Aky Se Stav??!!” Gers@OpenFootie in Bratislava.

Anything better than a five-goal defeat and we’ll have improved the standing of Scottish football among the Slovakian public!

Hey - don’t let me joke about this stuff. The way The Teds are going right now, a wee repeat of the mighty shitey sellik’s record pumping could well befall us in the capital of Bratislava. I don’t think so but, well, the fact that Yours Bluely will be there adds the jinx factor to the fate-tempting component: I’m less convinced we’ll draw or win in Slovakia this Tuesday than I was that we’d beat Livingston last Wednesday. We all know what happened in West Lothian.

So let me just say that I HAVEN’T GIVEN UP HOPE that Eck McLeish can pull another Big Positive One out of the bag. A defeat would see him resign - voluntarily or otherwise. A win would be heroic and a possible launh pad for salvation on all fronts. A draw, however, would be the kind of result we can’t slag and can’t fully celebrate - it’s respectable but, in light of our failure to beat Artmedia at Ibrox, it’s not enough for Champions League progression.

A draw on Match Day Four, depending on how it was achieved, would probably be enough to give Eck a stay of execution through the two celtic games and the match in Porto - but we’d have to win two of them to make his job secure again. Should we fail to beat Aberdeen next Saturday, however, then a draw this Tuesday night will not be enough. The fact celtic have now edged to the top of the table shouldn’t make any real difference - we’re actually closer to the top now than we were last Saturday. But, I’m afraid it makes all the difference - it shows Alex’s record in an even worse light, it puts him under an even darker cloud. It’s perverted but it’s true - for Rangers, being ten points behind Celtic is far worse than eleven points behind Hearts.

A draw, by the way, let’s face it, is our most common result these days.

The gallows are being erected for Alex McLeish. He needs a momentous win to get a last-minute reprieve. It may seem fortunate that, following our fudge-ups at Tannadice, at Almondvale and at home to Artmedia and Inverness, he now has just such an opportunity, through one match, to score the kind of victory which would gloss over all that crap. But it ain’t luck - it’s merely Eck cashing in the last of the credit he’s earned through his own hard work. If he’s the sole reason we’re struggling right now then he’s the sole reason we’re in the Champions League in the first place. If his thinking has been about risking SPL form to make history in Europe then he’s about to gamble his last chip.

A win puts us in the driving seat for a UEFA cup spot and may well put us top of the group. Artmedia are a team flying by the seat of their pants and loving it - but the one type of manager who can beat them is one whose career currently dangles by a thread or, maintaining the clothes-related theme, whose coat is on a shakey peg. Quite simply, the re-named Petrzalka FC are exceeding all expectations - they were having the greatest season in their history from the moment they thrashed Celtic 5-0 in July. McLeish has to have his players performing with all the conviction and, damn it, desperation of his predicament: Artmedia should not, cannot, DO NOT, want this more than us. For once, Rangers have to let the pressure feed our performance with an unplayable hunger - Artmedia should find themselves up againt a bunch of guys playing for their reputations.

The distance from Scotland should allow both the Gers players and travelling fans to put all the huffiness and grief to one side - it should only be Belief in Red White and Blue this week. Me? I’m stil trying to get my head round the fact I’m going to Eastern Europe for less than 24 hours. I’ll be by the Clyde at 8am tomorrow - and by the Danube less than 3 hours later. I hate the idea of travelling to such an interesting and exotic location as Slovakia’s only city and not spending at least the night there. But needs must. So it’s the SAS, in-and-out job for me and a few thousand other Bears like yerselves.

Still, doing the official Rangers tour thing gets ye into the city centre before lunch time and allows ye plenty of time to decide whether to get wrecked (something I can do quite well) or be really boringly anoraky about yer day trip (Something I EXCELLLLLL at!). I want to see Inter Bratislava and Artmedia’s stadiums - get them “hopped” - because our hosts are not hosting us at their own ground. We’re playing them, as did celtic and Internazionale of Milan, at Slovan Bratislava’s Tehelne Pole or “Brick Field” stadium.

Like so many other stadia around the continent I first became aware of this ground thanks to Simon Inglis’ brilliant, seminal, BIBLE of a publication The Footbal grounds of Europe. It hit the shops in 1990 and I’ve been reading it like some fetishistic football pitch voyeur ever since. I love European travel, I love football grounds - this is MY Playboy (”Man! Check out the floodlights on that baaaaaaabe!”). Pages 88 and 89 deal with Bratislava and Slovakia’s main venue and the black and white photo, which seems to show an international between Czechoslovakia and Denmark taking place (i’ve looked into it - a 0-0 draw in November 1986), made the ground instantly recognisable to me, even though the end terracings had been seated subsequently, when England played a recent controversial EURO 2004 qualifier there and celtic played a brilliant Champions League 2005/2006 qualifier there. Once again, I’m looking forward to that buzz of finally being physidcally inside a ground which has so long been inside my head. Now THAT’s something most of us can’t say about the beauties we see in Playboy …

Sorry to go on, but it’s maybe important to see the wider picture when our club’s in such a “crisis” at the moment. Is Rangers’ progressing in the Champions League more important than seeing the Carpathian mountains with your own eyes? Is one football team’s victory over another more important than visiting a country which fought so long to be independant from the Hungarians, only to be subsumed by the Nazis then the Soviets and which finally became sovereign in 1993 when it broke from the Czech Republic?

I don’t think so. But cheering on our fotball team is, in itself, a political act - the ability to travel to other countries to do so is a special kind of freedom we shouldn’t take for granted. The Third Reich football team played its last ever match at the Tehelne Pole, in Novemnber of 1942: The Czechoslovakian national side caused a riot at this venue in November 1983, resulting in the reported death of a visiting Romanian fan, when the manager refused to play one Slovak player, even using only Czech subs. This is the ground where the famous Czechoslovakia side of Dr Jo Venglos (Yes, him!) defeated England and the Soviet Union in qualifying for the European Championship finals where, with seven Slovan Bratislava Slovaks, they defeated West Germany in the final.

Stuff like that shows both the insignificance and power of football.

On Tuesday night I want Rangers to make Petrzalka Artmedia Bratislava realise that while we respect and admire them, we are just far too important a club to allow their fairy tale to extend our nightmare. It’ll be great to be there, no matter what happens, but it’ll be even better if we can ensure that, like the Bluebells, the Danube stays Blue.

Sorry, troops - no laptop with me and no time to hit an internet cafe as I’m heading straight back for the plane at the final whistle - all this means no match report until I get out my kip on Wednesday. Still haven’t negotiated the full next day off work with my gaffer either so maybe it’ll be Wednesday night before I can hit the PC and give you my two Slovak Coruna’s worth on what is sure to be an historic occassion for The Teds.

Aye Yours, Aye Ready, Aye Fat …

… Eck