Won’t somebody PLEASE think of the children!!

Prime Minister Tony Blair and US president G W Bush today issued a joint declaration of solidarity with the trouble-torn Glasgow regions of Govan and Milngavie.

The indigenous peoples of these areas, known as Ra Teddy Berrrs, have come under a cataclysmic combination of natural and man-made diasasters in recent weeks and the two leaders will tomorow address the United Nations in an effort to instigate a campaign of masssive humanitarian aid and, if necessary, military intervention.

The plight of these “Rangers” people - a tribe never far from calamity as they lifted a mere 100plus trophies during their brief autonomy - was worsened beyond all reasonable endurance recently when their club went a whole ten points off the top of the SPL in, of all months, October.

Yet, having suffered from the notorious “Dry Season” last year, the Bears were today horrified to discover one of their warriors had had a wee bit of a tiff with their War Lord. Calls for the Chieftan’s head, as well as his War Lord’s soon followed and the simmering tensions among various splinter groups - especially the merciless, notorious milita known as the RST - could soon see this crisis excacerbated by all-out civil war.

We spoke to one Bear, Eglinton Montfode, known by his tribal birth-name of “Fat Eck”, and speaking in the local dialect known as Pyoorpish, he told us of the intimidation many Bears suffer at the hands of both the current governing Celtic tribe and the various Rangers militias:

“‘parently ahm aff mah fukin noggin coz ah wulnae panic! Ah mean, some ‘o the other Rangers boays ur kawin me a HERETIC coz ah dont want [Rangers Chieftan] Murray or [Rangers War Lord] Le Guen sacked. So the boay Bardsely hud a bit ay a huff an a rammy wi Boofel et training - BIG DEAL! ‘f that hud happened when we wur tap o the league it’d be a sign oh how competitive oor traynin sesshions wur. Frankly ahm chuffed the Gers are so pissed aff - shows they care - s’only the papers tryin tae sell copies. S’only oktober - fucks sake - crisis mah arse”

Words of uncommon bravery which would indeed bring a tear to even the most hardened reproter’s eyes.

Fat Eck aslso told us of how he had lived through the far more horrible crisis of the early eighties when the Bears became all but extinct - their numbers down to three figures at some points. His forefathers had also survived similair humanitarian disasters in the early seventies when Spain’s fascist foreign policy had also seen the international community shun Rangers peoples from all quarters of Europe.

“Hawf these basturts widnae know a crisis if it bit thum oan the arse” said Eglinton, who then went on to recommend the Rangers peoples take maters into their own hands and reject aid as they embarked on their own foreign policy.

“See if we get a result in Italy this Thursday - s gonnae be fukin HARD mind - aw this Bardsley pish wull be forgotten about!. And even then, see if we don’t, it’s noh the end of the world. Le Guen’s probably better suited tae the continetal fitbaw the noo while he settles intae the SPL. Ah’d gie him a whole season oh mistakes before ah punted him anyway.”

Brave words indeed. The people of Darfur in Sudan have already sent their amdassador to Livorno in Tuscany in order to comfort Murray, Le Guen and, by extension, The Rangers people.

Luckily, the Livorno tifosi, hailing from the port city in which the Italian communist party were formed, are always ready to warmly welcome the impoversihed and the subjugated. How does Eglinton Montfode hope his representative team will reciprocate at this UEFA meeting:

“I hope we fuckin ride them”.

A sentiment, I’m sure, the decent-thinking world would universally echo.

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Published:
10.18.06 / 8pm
Category:
News