Till a’ the Funds gang dry

Well, my ancient, trusty drouthy cronies, I don’t know about youse but on a night like this I could certainly use a reaming swat or two as I sit by my finely bleezing ingle.

For a start, I did the weekly shop on Monday night - completley forgot my dates and so, instead of feasting myself on the great chieftan ‘o the puddin race this sacred evening, I’m currently composing a new Address, “… to Turkey Escalopes in Breadcrumbs”:

Fair fat your are ya big baw-face,
built like a sumo, ya plump disgrace,
belt or a gang rope ‘roon yer waist?
Ye could eat a fairm.
Ah’m keepin mah distance just in case
Ye chew aff mah airm.

So while the rest of you enjoy Burns Night, I’m celebrating the lesser known “Bernard Mathews night”. Everything might be boootiful but I still feel unco traitorous!

And, as if that wisnae bad enough, I hear Charlie Miller is training at Murray Park this week.

Fuck me!

Charlie was too unprofessional to do it at Rangers and then played when he felt like it at Dundee United. By all accounts he did the business in Scandanavia - and by my account Scandanavia isnae too different fae playing at certain SPL stadia - but are we really gonnae sign him? Is Waldo taking the Nine-In-A-Row reunion too far?

Man - I think I’d rather have Shaun fucking Maloney (D’ye see they rumours??!!) than Charlie, bless him. I remember him scoring against IFK Gothernburg at Ibrox and giving us some pathetic,desperate sense that we might actually reverse the 3-0 tanking we’d taken in the first leg of that particular Champions League qualifier. But IFK equalised on the night and, while it would be a few more years before The Miller’s Tail was wagging to more regular goals against Scandanavian club sides, that’s really my last memory of CM. And that was the late summer of 1997.

My BEST memory of Charlie is, of course, the ABSOLUTE PEACH of a ball he plays onto Brian Laudrup’s napper (there’s a Swedish-Danish-Norwegian-Faroese-Icelandic thing going on with this rant) at Tannadice to seal us Nine In A Row but, man, I’d rather have Laudo back right now. And he’s been retired for a couple of centuries!

Maybe Charlie is a player again. He is only 30 but I’d much rather he is indeed just keeping himself fit before going off to Spain from Bran Bergen. Mind you - I’m assuming he’s noh going to Real Madrid or Barca. If he’s improved his game THAT much then maybe we should indeed start cracking open the NIAR DVDs and appealing to his once over-stretched heart-strings

Okay, I wisnae exactly shocked to discover Ronaldo had chosen the San Siro over Govan once again - and I aint turning my nose up at the Davie Weirs and Ugo Ehiogus of the world (by the way, Welcome to The Club, big man - glad it’s an 18-month deal rather than just the half year) but, if we’re gonnae go for the older player, I do expect us to start aquiring something OTHER than former booze bags who never really made it for any length of time at any decent size of club.

Sorry, Charlie - I know yer only 30 and ye’ve made far more of a success of yer life than I ever will but when it comes to The Rangers it’s a case of “buy what I say, not what I do”. And I do shites…in breadcrumb.

Clement is away too. That’s sad all round. Firstly he looked like a player and, more pointedly, he looked like a player who had fully acclimatised to the vagaries of the Scottish game. Secondly it’s another passing reminder of the departure of the PLG ideal. And, even if I had given myself a shake and got as fully behind the second Walter Smith era as the arseholes who brought it about, I’d still be GUTTED that we only got �1.2M for the guy!!

Having spent whatever we spent on “convincing” Chris Burke to stay - and maybe strat proving himself sometime before the 2009 expiry of his new contract - and knowing how little money DM will now be inclined to throw at “The Second Coming”, I was banking on at least �2M for Clement. We could get two potential SPL-winners with that kinda dough, playing in this kinda SHITE league.

Stanger’s offski too, to GOTHENBURG’s wee team. Slagging the insularity of the Scottish players at Ibrox on his way oot the door. He was promised by Karl Svensson that Sweden is much more like France - ie PROFESSIONAL - although the fact we took a 16-year-old Danish lad on trial at the same time as Wullie departed to the ubiquitous Scandanavia on trial, kinda defeats the notion Rangers are going all tartan … or all UJ (If we factor in big Ugo).

Most of the real transfer action won’t of course begin until round about 5 to midnight on deadline day. And Saturday’s game with the Jambos will show us that we either need more money to guarantee the second-place Champions League slot or that we’re on the right road to that minimum achievement this season and DM can re-invest secure in the knowledge his loose change is in safe hands with The Divine Cardigan.

Wonder if Svensson will play or will we go with Ugo and Davie Weir at centre halfs? (”centre HalVes”??) Too old? (my spelling and our central defenders??) Be interesting to see how Walter uses these three players and then even more interesting to see how he fits in our one ideal-on-all-fronts signing so far - Andy Webster.

We’ve been fairly good this season against the sides tryin to split the Old Firm - especially at home - and it looks as though Aberdeen will be the ones we really have to beat to be safe. But any kind of win over the Jambolinos will ensure the Walter revolution reaches near miraculous levels. We’re playing shite so we must keep winning. Ironic that this is possible but, there ye are - that’s Rangers and the SPL fur ye.

Well, lets hope the �1.2M from Clement’s sale is used, as the BBC website opines, to buy one of Scott Brown or Paul Hartley. If it could get the both of them it would be better value shopping than those Bernard Mathews escalopes …