Outwith the Tartan Army (JOCKLAND … 2 Georgia … 1)

Yup. Yes. Aye. OCH AYE THE NOO, TIS TRUE - I too have family members who’ve travelled outwith Scotland to ensure they register experiences outwith their original environs and both within and outwith further education, have suffered ridicule, opprobrium and censure at the hands of English lecturers, the world of Anglo Academia, for their brazen use of the term “OUTWITH”.

And how great it is, as a Rangers fan, to be allowed the opportunity which therefore came my way yesterday … and at every other Scotland home match I attend, which is almost all of them. How sweet it was to be granted teh chance to feel OPRESSED. How delicious the day I could finally claim to be SUBJUGATED and PERSECUTED and to use the harsh evidence of my experiences OUTWITH the diaspora Caledonia to take the moral high ground so usually denied us neo-nazi, aggressive, invasive, Sudetenland-munching Ibrox regulars.

Yesterday, at Humpden, I was “Scottish” and that, of course, means you’re a romantic. It means you’re an innocent suffering at the hands of an evil overlord. It means you’re NOT just some pissed-up arsehole in a kilt and nae top, flashing yer baws at asian women in Cathcart - no - that would be the behaviour of an irresponsible, sexist, incontinent bastard. No. No, no, no - yesterday that kind of behaviour was okay. Nay, it was de rigeur. For, only outwith the Scotland Match Day experience is urinating up against the wall of a tenement in broad, early-spring daylight, the act of a lout. Yesterday we were oppressed and yet wittily and gailey tearing off the yoke with the aid of far too much alcohol, far too much sexual aggression, no personal responsibility and - most of all - absolutely no fucking idea about football.

I use the term “outwith” therfore I am Scottish. Scotland is a small country. We’re a minority - compared to, well, someone bigger - so that makes it all alright: It’s not disgusting, it’s liberating and STAMPING YOUR IDENTITY … on the streets of the country which denies that very kind of kilted biscuit-tin, English-given identity every day of the fuickiong year except Scotland Match Days.

God - I fucking HATE the Tartan Army bollox. Literally - I see their fucking bollocks all the time! Any other day of the week they’d be horrendous perverts, splashed all over the front page of the Sun and Daily Retard for acts offensive to children. But, if Scotland are playing, it’s just “The banter”. And, as long as we don’t all get together and beat the fuck out the opposition supporters, every other shade of shite behaviour underneath that is acceptable coz - hey! - England fans are worse!

Right. Okay. Look. I know - I do this all the time after watching Scotland. My patter’s never very original but if you’ve read one of my “critiques” on the self-appointed “colourful” elements of the Scotland support, you really have read them all. These arseholes just get to me every time. But, luckily, I know people - supporters of Hearts, St Johnstone, Dunfermline, Celtic - who refuse to buy into all the crapola which allows these £50k-per-year+bonuses Lawyers, dentists and estate agents to stick on an Archie Gemmill 78 retro strip and a kilt and then proceed to terrorize the streets of Glasgow City centre and Mount Florida.

Nothing wrong with a few drinks before a game and as many as you like afterwards. But pubs are open even during football matches. If you only want to get pissed, you don’t need to pretend you like football to do so. Adults can make their own choices - that of my aquaintances and I is NOT to dress like a fucking clown before I’m allowed a ticket to watch and cheer the SFA national select and NOT to think 13 pints of lager and endless choruses of Doh-a-Fucking-Dear get you into “the Zone” for expressing genuine passion for the 11 best available exponents of our national game. The non-Tartan Army are KEEPING IT REAL and, as a Rangers fan, it was refreshingly depressing to reaffirm my concrete belief in football fandom on the concourses of the National Stadium yesterday: The better their media reputation, the more license any one fansbase will give themselves to behave like arseholes.

Rangers? We have a shite reputation - it’s a constant relief to simply watch my club side sans a mob mentality which convinces our number to be all mawkishly “sporting” and “friendly” in front of the cameras but reckless booze-bags off it. Anyone whose ever been squre-goed by a mob of Liverpool casuials in central Station will know how much PISH is in the “Cheeky Chappy Kop-banter Scouser” rep. Same with the Timberland-boots-and-kilt-wearing gits yesterday. The Georgian National anthem WAS booed but not very loudly and not for very long. It was applauded afterwards and that’s how it should be. But the reaction to our visitors’ national anthem being “How it should be” is no cause for self-congratulatory back-slapping. It’s just the bare minimum of decent behaviour. And, tell me - how can I be both a Comabt18, KKK-loving Gers fan AND a happy-to-take-a-kicking-off-the-Ukranian-Neds-in-Kiev-City-Centre Scotland fan??? S’almost as if there are a whole mass of grey areas within football supports - these grey areas are where you find the actual FOOTBALL fans!

Kris Boyd gets a goal for Scotland and Craig Beattie gets the other - inbetween a Shota Arveladze belter. You just can’t get away from the Old Firm eh??!! Alex McLeish and Roy Aitken devised the tactics which kept us top of a group featuring France, Italy and the Ukraine. So, all of Scotland will unite simply because the Old Firm has an equal share in the glory yesterday? Nah. Boyd and Ferguson were booed when their names were read out - again, not as loudly as the Georgian national anthem, but they were booed by some around me in the North stand. Some booed Beattie and Hartley and Maloney and McManus, no doubt. Some booed Davie Weir. I applauded them all - and I kept encouraging Kenny Miller because, call me a crazy theorist but, if he receives encouragement he might do better than if he receives abuse and he might help Scotland - ye know - win. Some also CHEERED when Gary “Skeletor” Teale, one of the best crossers of the ball in the team, was subbed. The Scotland support is every bit as stupid, malignant and downright fucking NEGATIVE - some of the abuse being dished out to our own players at 1-1 yesterday was worse than any of the internecine shite I’ve heard up the back of the Govan - as they are percieved as being jokey, original and fun to be around.

Scotland have a very ordinary collection of players but a very good chance of qualifying from an impossibly difficult group. After five games we are TOP and that’s amazing. What’s mroe amazing is that, as with yesterday’s game, there is more negativity than incredulity surrounding this state of affairs. We beat France at Hampden and did everything else by the book. To continue to do so will see us go through. For once, Scotland have actually beaten the minnows by the heavy score-line they’re supposed to: 6-0 against the Faores is what we should be doing in every campaign but never do. Losing to the Ukraine in Kiev s also totally expected. Beating Georgia at home and Lithuania away are tough but doable assignments and that’s how we did them. Beating France at Hampden is that one remarkable result which Scotland usually balance out with two or three more occassions of underperforming. Not so far this time. Losing to Italy in midweek will be no shock and no setback because, for once, we seem to be getting the tone right on the pitch. We seem to be pacing the campaign perfectly.

If we beat ukraine at home, no-one will blink - it’s not a massive result but it’ll be hard earned and we’ll take great heart from it. If we thrash Faroes away it will be no biggie on the world stage but it will be a bucking of our Toftir trend. Georgia away - if Kobiashvilhi is wanted by Schalke in their quest for a first Bundesliga title, we can get a draw in Tiblisi, minimum. Lithuania at home is a 1-0 win. France away is a defeat and Italy at Hampden we can probably draw. Lithuiania have already taken points off Italy and almost did it to France too. Ukraine and Georgia aren’t good enough to win all their games inbetween - they won’t be up for them enough - but they’ll raise their game to take points off France and Italy. All Scotland have to do is keep grinding out the common sense results, like yesterday, and we’ll qualify.

I’m proud as fuck of my national team for counteracting their reputation for cuddly craziness given them by the English press - I feel precisely the opposite way about most of my fellow Scotland fans.

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Published:
03.25.07 / 8pm
Category:
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