Product Recall: Faulty Masonic Conspiracy in the Glasgow area

Erm, excuse me - can I just ask what the Cardinal Basil Hume is going on??!!

I think we were ALL given assurances, upon purchasing our Rangers scarves from the Grand Master, that this conspiracy involved five main components other than ourselves: The SFA and all its employees; the Royal family (god bless them); the judiciary; the British Broadcasting Company and - most secure of all - THE POLICE FORCE!!

I nearly unrolled my trooser leg when I heard yesterday’s news: The Police - “thuh polis”, the “auld bill”, the “Sweeney Tod”, “PC Plod”, “Dixon of Dock Green”, “Juliet Bravo”, “Z Cars”, “Oscar Sierra ah-wun niner zero five, over and out, ten-four big buddy, All Points Bulletin in the Brooklyn Heights area, it’s a real pea-souper tonight, I want your badge Kowalsky - you’re outta control! ” - the POLICE, the most “on the level”, “Squared off” emergency service of them all, was taking the total constable out of our ancient and sacred brotherhood:

They “raided” Rangers, for fu**s sake! RANGERS!!

Ibrox has been busted!!

Quick - flush all the dodgy transfers doon the bog and open the windae to let oot the whiff of Daniel Prodan (”Buy one perpetually injured internationalist - get three orphan babies FREE!”).

“Rangers Raided” headlines usually mean one or two of our players have been nicked off us by a big, rich English club - ye know like when Derek Parlane went to Leeds, when Gordon Smith went to Brighton, or when Gio Van Bronckhorst went to Arsenal, Bazza went to Blackburn or Boumsong went to ….

…aherm …

…erm, I can’t actually remember the name of the club, Jean-Alain went to. All I remember is that they were COMPLETE STRANGERS to me - Never heard of them, actually. Never heard of FC Northumberlandish United Athletic or whatever they called themselves. In fact, were they English? I don’t even know - never seen them before in my life. What? Pardon? Did I say “Jean-Alain”? Did I? Man - erm - hey - weird or what??!! God knows where I got that from - did you not mention his name to me? No - well, coz I meant “Boumsong”, see - I meant to just call him by his surname - I mean, it’s not as if I KNEW the guy or had any dealings with him. Sheesh! As if! Honest. Don’t get heavy with me, officer … please, man - I was just walking past, on my way to my mum’s - I had nuffin to do with it …

Look - this is a breach of my civil liberties and, what’s more, I want my fekin money back! I paid for a masonic cospiracy which came with a lifetime guarantee!

I’ve a good mind to return my apron. If it wasn’t for the fact it nicely covers my black balls I’d be handing it in at the next lodge meeting, to any one of the dudes who wear equally weird gear during the day - truncheons, handcuffs, etc.

I ain’t never heard of no Newcastle United and I wasn’t nowhere near no Fratton Park.

This is just harrasement, man! This is just the pigs hassling innocent Rangers.

John Reid - ex homo secretary and lifelong rabid Sellik man - is it ANY COINCIDENCE that the hooped media darlings of Glasgow’s East End didn’t get the rat-a-tat-tat fae the cops while they were huvin their rice crispies yesterday??

Of course it isn’t … or is … or, who gives a fuck until we know exactly what’s going on.

We’ll wait and see what happens - probably eff all - we’re more than likely just “helping with enquiries”, having dealt with some slack agent - but the longer we don’t know why the police needed a wee shiftey at our receipts and/or a chat with our suits, the more it helps confirm us as the Bad Boys of British football in the crazy eyes of the hysterical ambulance-chasers who need everything about Rangers to be evil and bent. If it’s the Boumsong deal then how long til we hear “the 2005 SPL title should be awarded to Celtic”? I bet it’s been said already. Good. Bring it on. I fuckin love it.

Pure theatre.

Who killed JR? Nah. Who sold Jean-Alain?


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