Nose surrender!

Huv yese noticed the lovely new nosings on all the stairs at The Palace? There’s also a kind of tackity-effect rendering been piled onto the stairs which take us up or doon tae oor blue bucket seats. The new nosings are there too and, flat next to them, there’s lovely new plaques, with a smart big blue letter depicting the row. I’m slightly concerned about the fact these little plaques are, like Rangers, very proud - somebody could trip over one of them and make me spill my pie, king size Yorkie and medium coke!! - but I’m more concerned about the the fact that the money for all this work on the stadium COULD HAVE BEEN SPENT ON A NEW BLOODY PLAYER!!!!

Think about it! How many bloody stair nosings are there at Ibrox?? How many rows of seats are there? I’ve thought about it and the answer is - A LOT!! In fact, it’s closer to a REALLY lot! Some experts put it at “pyoor hunners” but I’m sticking with a figure close to A Really lot. The materials and man hours must have cost a FU**ING FORTUNE, even WITH Sir Dave’s contacts in the world of stair-nosing-plasticky stuff, gravelly-tackity stuff and wee-plaques manufacturing

Okay - Okay - maybe it wouldnae have cost enough to buy the kind of player we like to see on the seriously un-plaqued, un-nosed and suicidally render-free Ibrox pitch. But it would have bought one or two players for the redoubtable Falkirk FC. The money spent on making the Broomloan a Health and Safety officer’s dream would have got them a keeper - the money spent on ensuring no-one ever goes on their arse carrying a big drum, two trombones and a trumpet out of the Copland (Nae luck mate - never thought I’d see the day when a lambeg was ejected fae The Copland!) would have got the Bairns a silky midfielder. And if they’d put together the money spent on ensuring the Bill Struth and Govan Stand librarians can wear their bowling shoes in safety, Falkirk could have probably afforded Scott Brown’s wage demands!

That’s Scott Brown, the as yet undiscovered Uruguayan centre half currently on the books at Penarol.

I LOVE the fact Ibrox is a Palace. I love the fact we have the best stadium in Brtain by a country mile. I love the fact that no stadium I’ve been to throughout Europe or North America - AND I’VE BEEN TO A FEW, HONEY, LET ME TELL YA!! MMM-HMMM, GIRLFRIEND. YOU KNOW HOW WE DO IT! - can comepete with Ibrox’s perfect combination of comfort, acoustics, modernity, grandeur, technological advances and repsect for the past. Frankly, I think our stadium might even be BETTER than Winton Park, Ardrossan, home of the mighty Rovers (result from last week: Irvine Meadow … 8 Saltcoats Vics … 0 Har-de-har-har-har!). But its sobering to know that this basic little job of work on our home could have financed Falkirk’s march into the top six of the SPL.

In fact Falkirk are further strapped by the new stand they’re building behind the other goal at their new stadium. But, my point is that, while they are in the same division of the Scottish Football set up, they are on a completely different planet from our big swanky selves when it comes to the money game. They’re Pluto - we’re Jupiter.

I’ve gone into the thread under my Red Star match rant, the previous rant on this blog, and I’ve tried to give a personal response to every contributor thereon: So while youse are reading that, if ye don’t mind, I’ll just rabbit on about how we’re supposed to be the biggest and best in Scotland and our duty to be great in Europe and all my usual hang-ups …

I think Falkirk are a SMASHING club. Love playing them. They’re like a Heart or a Hibs without a league title to their roll of honour. The Bairns always have fire and passion and feature heavily in some of Scottish Football’s most scintilating moments. In the early 1900s they were two points off taking the league from celtic - but even a “sensational” last day win at, aherm, Ibrox couldn’t help them clinch their one and only championship of Caledonia. They got their revenge in the 1997 Scottish Cup semi-final, mind - played at, erm, Ibrox!

The Falkirk fans are a mental bunch and create a real atmos. And under John Hughes in the last few seasons they’ve bawled on a team playing some absolutely BEAUTIFUL football. I watched their game against Gretna and some of their goals were like something Barcelona would do! Unfortunately for everyone it was different against the smelly hoops for the Bairns last week and, I’m sorry but there can be no excuses for Rangers this weekend. Falkirk are skint, they’re wee and it’s time to put a stop to their nuisance factor. They’ve taken some embarrassing points off us since they came up. All power to them - they were thoroughly deserved and won with the kind of fitbaw ye can only admire. But, even if The Bairns did beat Ajax the day we were beating Chelsea, Rangers fans should only be admiring their own team when we play anyone from Scotland.

Everyone’s still digesting the midweek events in Europa. Are the Smell already through to the big cash cow group stages? Will Walter’s Ibrox tactics look spot-on or just like AEK at Ibrox all over again after we go to Belgrade? These questions and many more answered only in the latest edition of Paraphiliac’s Monthly. However, one thing we all know at this point is that all Rangers have to do to keep plugging away at achieving that European glory we’re Sooooo long overdue is keep winning that bloody Scottish Premier League. If the smellies do get in to the Group Stages and we don’t then we can only hope the Champions Leauge proves a distraction for them while we romp away with the SPL … and the UEFA Cup, of course. And, judging by the number of empty seats at both our European home ties this season, a lot of The Gers support couldn’t give a rat’s arse about Europe.

Personally, I think that’s a stupid and insulting attitude but - hey - let’s not go over old ground. The main thing is we haven’t lost a goal in five straight competitive games and I want to make that six. And all the mumping and moaning about our lack of attack on Tuesday can be put to bed this weekend by some thoroughly rested strikers we have at our disposal.

The Smelly tic don’t play until Sunday so let’s take the chance of setting them a target of total league points they cannot catch before they even take the pitch at wherever Setanta are on the sabbath. A long trip back fae Moscow - it didnae do Napoleon too much good so heres hoping it’ll be “not tonight, Joe, ya Queen” this Sunday for our number one rivals for honorarium domesticus this season. We’ve got to keep ourselves in front to take the gloss and inspiration off their plans to win their next league game.

…Fuck it - we’ve got to just win the bloody league, and Falkirk at home is the latest instalment.

And can we ask all Subway Loyalists to stay til the final whistle - the players certainly seem to be managing it.

I just hope they don’t trip up as they take to the pitch - there’s a severe lack of nosings in that tunnel … its’s a fuking death trap, I’m tellin ye …!

Okay - Unlike Gustav Aschenbach, it’s obvious MY motus animi continuus has very much packed-in. I’m off to read Der Tod In Venedig again, troops - or maybe do some transfers for my fantasy League teams (can ye BELIEVE Ronaldo got himself sent off last night??!!): Please check out the thread on the previous rant, though - that’s where all my chat is this week.

Good weekend, folks.