Just don’t call us Mohammed …

Or Ali, or Benjamin, or Arthur, Dave, Geoff, Alan, Tracey, Sue or Kylie. Coz we are ra TEDDY BEARS and we don’t want NO-ONE disrespecting The Rangers religion by re-naming us. From now on, the naming of a Teddy is BLASPHEMY!! Och aye - let it be so! I’ve decided. Yes, ME! I’ve decided - because when you’re an adult, religion is undoubtedly A PERSONAL decision - that the re-naming of Teddy Bears shall be punishable by 50 lashes OR six months in the slammer. The creators of “Paddington”, “Winnie The Pooh” and “Yogi” are now INFIDEL BLASPHEMERS who will rot in eternal Parkhead. They may have escaped coporeal punishment but THE RANGERS GOD shall make their after-life an eternal suffering of green and white hooped proportions. The sanctity of The Teddy Bear is all. And I take this opportunity now to call to arms all you fellow Bears out there. We have an enemy who must be stopped by any means possible: It’s a Bear-pal bull; It’s a one of the 95 theses nailed to the church door at Wittenbear; It’s one of the Ted commandments; I declare my first Holy war, or Tedwah, on that serial Ted-namer, that infamous habitual Bear-defiler, that most loathsome of all disgusting Teddy-fiddlers … GYLES BRANDRETH!!!!

Suicide bombers need not apply … that’s just silly.

The Sudan. Mentalists eh? Darfur and all that, eh? Teddy bears and all that. “Wouldn’t it be terrible if we were like that over here”??!!

Think on “Big Jock Knew”-ists. Think on “Ye can’t fuck-the-Pope”-ists. Think on ALL hysterical hate-mongers, no matter the “basis” of the hate. Un-poh those faces right now.

Talking of which:

Oh, we’re at it again, That Auld Gers, aren’t we. We’re “Scotland’s Secret Shame” once more. We’re undoubtedly proving all those conspiracy stories true. We’ve been busted, exposed, named and shamed. Yes indeed - it’s time to come clean. The police have come all the way from London to tell the world that we did indeed - and I still can’t believe I’m admitting to this out loud - we did indeed SIGN AMDY FAYE!!!!

Oh, will they ever forgive us??!! Oh, hang yer heads, Bears and Bearettes - HANG YER HEADS. We’ve been rumbled and it’s no good bleating. If ye can’t do the time, don’t sign on the dotted line. We bought him - on loan. So we must be bent as fuck - just like what everyone always says we is.

Don’t know about yoose, troops but I cannae look myself in the mirror.

(Don’t have one large enough)

Okay, I know it’s the Faye transfer from PORTSMOUTH to NEWCASTLE UNITED, almost THREE YEARS AGO, and that we got him on loan from CHARLTON, and that the dodgy agent (Oxymoron surely, Ed!) Willie Mckay has never sold any player to anyone but Rangers - but, nevertheless, Rangers really have exposed themselves as the sleaziest, dirtiest club in all of Christendom once again.

Hang on. Actually, I’m being a bit overly sarcastic here, isn’t I?! No-one’s really having a pop at The Gers about this. All I’m doing is having a go at one banner I saw draped over the Brommloan rear at the last Old Firm game. What was it? “Bung Gate/Scandal/something like that - we welcome the case”. Ach, we have “Big Jock Knew” - a song and slogan which shames our club whenever our fans sing it, Celtic have their fair share of hystericals who think more about ways of trying to make their homo-erotic fantasies about us find some tenuous basis in reality. Most of us, as the success of the Ibrox signing of Maurice Johnston and the easy election of John Reid to Parkhead Pontiff show, just lie back and think of football whenever this “OUTRAGE” stuff goes on.

Amdy Faye was involved in a a dodgy transfer a few years back. He’s now at Rangers. End of.

Well, end of our link with Scandal anyway. The only trouble for us is how poorly the Senegalese bugger’s time at Rangers has worked out. He has, in fairness, been thrust into two difficult SPL games - And he was GREAT against East Fife! - but, really, ye want more for yer freshly laundered money than a guy who cannae make enough of an impression to even merit coming back down the tunnel after half-time.

Thankfully we ain’t trying to SELL HIM when his time is up. He’ll just toddle back to Charlton . Or jail. And he’ll be nothing more to us than another one of those players you take a chance on, wasted too much dough on, and he doesnae work out. Too bad but that’s life at big clubs.

Talking of big clubs, did ye see the Scottish Cup draw??!!

EAST STIRLINGSHIRE AT THE BROX!!! Get fucking in there!! Superb!!

Any of you who stayed awake long enough last weekend to read my Falkirk post-match rant will know that was me completing the full set of Scottish league grounds. Been to them all. And you’ll also be busily trying to forget that my mate and I first started our conscious efforts to visit all the grounds we hadn’t been to with Rangers by going to FIRS PARK, FALKIRK, home of The Shire, way back in 1992. We always said that, once the full set of League Grounds was ticked of the train-spoter jotter, we’d make a return trip to Firs Park - an amazing wee ground in an unbelievably “Sunday Post” location.

Well, the fitbaw gods must have heard us. Five days after finsihing that very League Grounds journey - at Falkirk FC’s new Stadium - we draw The Shire at home in the Scotish Cup: They’re OBVIOUSLY gonnae take us to a Replay. It’ll be back to Firs Park and I’m sure I’ll be DELIGHTED because my anorak prayers will have been answered! :-)

This will be the third time Ive seen The Shire this season: I saw them up at Elgin, losing 6-0, when same bezzy mate and I were getting Borough Briggs off our list. And I also saw them enroute to Ibrox, at Meadowbank Stadium in the Scottish Cup against Edinburgh City, two rounds previous. I’d never been to the old Commonwealth games venue when Meadowbank Thistle played there and rumour has it they’ll be knocking the place down soon. So when former league club Edinburgh City drew the Shire at home in the cup we seized our anorak chance.

All in all, over the years of ticking the grounds off the list whenever we have the time, The Gers aren’t playing and we have enough dugh, we’ve seen The Shire a few times. Ye get to recognize their punters pretty quickly. Will have tales to tell about them when Scottish Cup time next comes around, in the new year. In fact, I’ve got photos of some of those punters … will look them out for January 12th’s game … they’re filed away with my collection of Teddy Bear magazines …

INFIDEL!!!

Kilmarnock. Ibrox. Saturday. If we’re gonnae start losing the big European games this season, can we at least start winning the SPL games both sides of them? We’re half way there with the Falkirk result last Saturday. We NEED to bounce back from Stuttgart with another three domestic points this Saturday. On hold in the Champions League - let’s get back to being League Champions.

Come on, you TEDDY BEARS!!