CUBA WANT WALTER AS CASTRO REPLACEMENT!

Rangers manager Walter Smith today refused to comment on the increasing speculation that he is about to take the top job in Cuba. Following the resignation of Fidel Castro on Tuesday, Smith is being touted as his replacement. Officials in Havana were remaining equally tight-lipped on the move which could yet rock Scottish Football. With the Ibrox side facing a vital UEFA Cup second leg tie in Athens this Thursday evening, Rangers fans are keen to know who will be at the helm of their club. Castro, 81, is himself thought to have preferred the Davie Irons-Derek Collins management duo but, with the pair’s shock departure to Morton happening on the same day as the Cuban President’s resignation, Smith has moved to the top of the Marxist-Leninist state’s shopping list - just ahead of Coca Cola, Levis and Volkswagen Golfs.

Well, I don’t know about youse troops, but I’m fucking GUTTED by this news. I’m hoping and praying Walter knocks it back but - let’s be brutally frank - we’ve all known his brand of socialist fundamentalist football was always gonnae attract this kind of unwanted attention. Getting the results in every tournament yet retaining the proletariat ethos. It’s genius - and it’s gonnae attract interest from outside the club. To have us in four competitions in February, without ever playing flashy, tacky or petit-bourgeoisie football was bound to lead to bigger things for Waldo and we can’t really grudge him his chance.

We couldn’t hope to have it both ways. I mean, we’re loving that Walter’s made it clear “no player is bigger than the team” and we’re lapping up the fact he’ll drop anyone who seems to be getting too much praise or too many goals - we all positively REJOICED when he sold the uber-capitalist Alan Hutton for £9LARGE in order to keep the collective fed, watered and completely nonhierarchical. There was no way this would remain a secret from the rest of the world. Now we all just have to hope the Cuban parliament elect Raul Castro in Sunday’s vote - or Jose Mourinho.

Really hoped I’d never have to go through this again though. I remember it was the exact same pish when Franco died. Three years earlier we’d given the Guardia Civile a kicking in seperatist hot-spot Barcelona and had just ourselves emerged from Celtic’s evil dictatorship of the Scottish League so - bingo! - right on cue, Jock Wallace gets the call from Madrid: “Dae ye want to be Generalissimo, Jock? - and please bring Willie Waddel with ye, as General Generalissimo!” Thank gawd Jock knocked it back - he went to Seville later on in his career, aye, but only once he’d won a couple of trebles for The Teds - but I just hope Walter does the same now. Knock Cuba back, Walter. Please.

For we’ll need your hammer and sickle-thick steel in Athens.

Athens.

Ahhh.

Steamy, hot, sultry, vengeful, passionate, intimidating, crazy crazy ATHENS.

Well, actually, going by the Chelsea game on Tuesday night, played along the road in Piraeus - Athens will actually be brass-monkeys, see-yer-ain-breath, pack-yer-thermals, why’s there noh a roof on this dump, two Bovrilikis please, fucking freezing ATHENS. But, as the ever-painful BBC comentary will no doubt remind us ad nauseum, the ATMOSPHERE at Panathinaikos is always HOT!

Hoh - hoh, aye. It certainly is, Dougie.

We’re playing in the wee Apostolos Nikolaidis stadium - this doesnae rate as a big enough game for the “Cockneys” (aye - THAT’s their nickname) to move it to the Olympic stadium and in one respect I’m glad: The thought of 80,000 baying Green-and-white Greeks is not encouraging for oor team’s chances. Yet, in another predictably grammatically book-endish respect, I’m worried about the smaller venue coz it doesnae huv the running track like what the big Olympic stadium does and 5,000 Pana fans can sound like 50,000 British fans - espesh when they’re right on top of ye.

End of the day, if we play Boyd and - please, please, please, Waldo - play COUSIN, and bang in a couple of goals in the first fifteen, ANY Greek crowd will zip it sharpish and be of no consequence to the atmosphere. But, equally, and more likely, a quick goal fae Pana will huv the place jumpin and a side like ours, not used to conceding any goals, may start conceding pyoor hunners - coz if ye THINK the roof is falling in, Panathinaikos is just the kinda crowd which will give ye the background noise to make it all the more believable.

Personally, I think we should go with a bit of reverse psychology. Just play the Greeks at their own game. Ally McCoist and Kenny McDowall should wait til the Pana players are out on the pitch then walk up tae the ref and the Pana officials and say “That’s us away noo, boys - we’ve gave up before it’s even kicked off. Nae point in oor players even turning up. Yoose’ll win easy. Just take a bye intae the last 16 and we’ll concentrate on preparing for Gretna on Sunday. Oh, and, before we go, as an apology for the inconvenince - here’s a wee present we made fur yese …” And Ally and Kenny pull a big wooden horse intae the middle of the pitch …

Naw? D’ye noh reckon?

What? I’m “avoiding the issue”? Fair enough. It is, after all, my Achilles heel (BOOM!).

What am I predicting? Okay - let me think - don’t Hector me! (BOOM BOOM!) Well …

Well, I’m thinking this UEFA Cup Odyssey will continue(OH YES!! “ODYSSEY” CLASSIC! … in fact, “CLASSIC” - THE CLASSICS!! OH MAN - GENIUS! ON FIRE, BIG MAN!!! NEXT STOP IS THE BBC COMMENTARY TEAM!! PAUL MITCHELL, EAT YER BANTER OUT! I just wish I could work in “Ajax” or “Paris” … mmmm? … now, how could I get them inate a fitbaw rant??):

I’m actually thinking we’ll win on penalties.

I know - I know - I know what yer thinking! Any Fat Eck prediction of positivity leads to certain negativity in the result. But, I cannae be counter-intuitive with my predictions - doesnae work; I’ve tried it before - and, furthermore, watching The Gers defend a no-goal advantage for 120 minutes, in Athens, will result in such cripplingly deep and long-term psychiatric problems that the Karmic balance is restored: It’s hardly the kind of positivity which will tempt fate - “we’ll go through on penalties”. Is it? I’m only believing in the kind of “win” for The Gers in Athens which will have most of us fingerless by the time Eastenders comes on and sectioned by Friday morning. I’m only anticipating a manner of victory which, in short, will see me keying my match report through a pool of blood from my own nail beds.

Is that getting to cocky? Am I asking for a tanking by that?

I did also find myself indulging in a kind of crazy double-jinxing conversation today: Was telling a Sellik-supporting friend how convinced I was that ra Tick would win by two goals against Barca at parkhead. He immediately thinks I’m pulling the double-bluff -jinx (ie say a team’s gonnae win just so they’ll get beat) but I explain that’s karmically impossible and also, to prove it, that I thought The Gers would eliminate Panathinaikos. Being intae the omens and the karma himself, he now thinks I’m the most fundamentalist Rangers fan he’s ever met: That I’ve indulged in “suicide jinxing” - ie happy to see my team eliminated from Europe, AS LONG AS WE CAN TAKE YOURS WITH US!!! NYAAAAGH-HAH!!

Basically, as all the above babbling makes plain, I have NAE IDEA what’s gonnae happen in this game. I know it’s a shock but there ye have it. I just know I want us to win with the kind of desperation only employed by Gordon Brown’s policy advisors in the wake of a Labour government actually NATIONALISING A COMPANY (”Quick, Gordon - ye better do something about malingerers and pesky foreigners or you’ll lose the Daily Express vote …) and I think we will win - by not conceding rather than scoring!

In fact, I think it would be a wet dream come true for me if we could become the first team ever to win a European trophy by NOT SCORING A GOAL during normal, injury or extra time in any of the knockout rounds. Would ye take that if it was the only way we could win the UEFA Cup, troops? Would ye take that? Ye’d “take it” as an option, yes, but ye couldnae really “take it” psychologically, could ye? I mean - imagine what state we’d be in come the 120th minute of play at the City of Manchester Stadium in May! “Penalty shoot-out number five coming up for Rangers - this one against Bayern Munich!!!”

At least I’d lose some weight …

ANYWAY - digressing again! Coz I AM cluelses both to the likely outcome and the likely team selection. I just know that I’m so instinctively CONVINCED we’ll win this game on penalties that I’m not even unduly concerned by the fact I’ll miss the first half hour of the TV coverage. Yup! That’s my FUCKING REWARD for GOING BACK TO WORK at the first sign of improvement in my steadily-distracting left retina. The photophobia shows the first, TINY sign of mending itself (All new visitors to the blog please have a wee peak at the last piece, on the home page, for an explanation of this self-involved digression - and just be thankful you CAN have a peak … at ANYTHING!!! [sob!]) and I go off into work, loyal to the last, winking at the PC screen and generally disturbing all the young lassies who work in the office but - what happens to the man who fought through the pain barrier for his employer? - he’s SHAFTED ON GETTING OFF AT 4:30 to see The Teds in Europe … (on the telly)!

Bloody hell! Scrape my pupil! I didnae realise I was working for Airdrie toon Cooncil!!! I didnae realise I was working for the LARKHALL BUILDING SOCIETY!!! I mean, I knew there were a fair smattering of Bears in my office but, the minute I take a couple of days off my work on the Pat and Rick - BANG! - every plastic Hun in the place is asking to get away early on Thursday!! By the time BIG HERO ECK (my words) returns valiantly to the front line, sans even as much as a Cap’n ‘Ook eye-patch, ALL GONE! NO THURSDAY EARLY-FINISHES LEFT!!

So this is what I get for not taking the advice of A Moses MacNeil Sandal and dragging my arse doon tae Rugby Park on Sunday by public transport - or in a wee disabled van! I couldnae drive the Eckmobile tae Kilmarnock coz I wiz a wee bit blind -so I didnae go. Chicken-shit! Let down! Both un- AND dis- loyal! Yer right, Moses. I could’ve been there if I’d REALLY tried. That Moffat Stand ticket didnae need to remain fully stubbed up. So now I’m being punished - karma again (Fuck - these eye drops are STRONG by the way!)! Didnae go to see The Gers when I hud the chance? Well, now ye cannae get to see them when ye want tae, Fat Man!

Will miss the first five minutes of radio coverage making it from office to car. Will miss first half hour of TV coverage making it from car park to front door. But have convinced myself I will miss nothing in the way of goal action. Despite all this “0-0″ patter, I wouldn’t be unduly miserable if I was fully punished for Sunday’s disloyalty by missing a Daniel Cousin or Kris Boyd hat-trick as I drive home fae work between 5 and half-5.

(With any luck it’ll be John Collins and Pat Nevin doing the pre-and post-match punditry again - ala the CIS Cup semi, ie from one of they wee converted executive boxes IN THE STADIUM. The Pana fans would soon give the window-slapping Hampden Jambos a bit of context … and Rock Steady wouldnae EVER hear yer complaints in Athens, Patty boy!!)

And if Walter does leave us? Apparently Hugo Chavez is being lined-up for a Murray Park press conference on Friday … Chick Young is already dusting down his hackneyed old lines “So, Hugo-ho-ho - are ye a Marxist or and Engles man …?” Spare us, please …

About this entry

You’re currently reading “CUBA WANT WALTER AS CASTRO REPLACEMENT!,” an entry on FatEck.co.uk

Published:
02.20.08 / 10pm
Category:
News