“Whatcha wanna go to Manchester for anyway?”

So says Withnail to Marwood as they sit in a Penrith pub when they should really be buying Wellingtons with the “Pair of blues” provided for foot attire by the venerable Uncle Monty. Yep, we can’t even watch Withnail and I on a bank holiday Monday, far less attend Rangers v Motherwell on a steamy Wednesday night, without being reminded of the UEFA Cup final. Of the 2000 and EIGHT UEFA cup final.

Withnail knows exactly why Marwood should go to Manchester, knows it’s his friend’s best chance to fulfill his glorious potential. But Withnail not only loves Marwood so dearly that he can’t stand being parted from him, he also knows Marwood is essential to his having a great weekend in Penrith. Uncle Monty simply won’t lay on the drinks and grub if Marwood isn’t there to enthrall the old bugger.

The SPL, like Withnail, aren’t really bad guys - they’re just a bit selfish and weak, if not a little confused. They don’t want to fuck Rangers but they know Celtic, like uncle Monty with Marwood, always want to fuck Rangers and “… mean to do so even if it must be burglary”. Without their fat, green-and-white-hooped uncle the SPL will be nothing. Without us, likewise, but they can’t let one get too far away from the other. Right now, we’re in real danger of escaping Celtic’s grasping claustrophobic clutches.

In 2003 we had to listen to hysterical, negligent, rabble-rousing shite from one M O’Neill. He wasn’t complaining about having to play a UEFA Cup final in the middle of six league games in eighteen days. No, he was complaining about having to play Rangers on the Sunday, after playing a UEFA Cup SEMI-final on the Thursday. Ye know - two games a week. “I’m quite sure the SPL/SFA wouldn’t make Rangers do this if they were in our position”. Oh no, Martin - they certainly haven’t. We’d KILL for two games a week.

I said at the time this was the kind of insidious harmful filth we should expect from that scumbag. Now, at least we have incontrovertible proof that whatever is “inflicted” upon Celtic - like having to play midweek and weekends, same as anyone else, must be re-visited thrice-fold upon anyone threatening to deny them a trophy lest the European Court of Human Rights is summoned up the London Road by MR John Reid or any of his equally liberal-minded, free-thinking, peace-loving predecessors.

We asked for a game with Gretna to be postponed.We have played that game with Gretna. We played it in January. We had to play two Scottish Cup replays - because the rules of the competition say that’s what happens if a game ends in a draw. We have played those replays. The very fact that we have so many games left to play is a dream come true for all Bluenoses. But surely it should also be seen as the price of our success. I say this only because what no-one seems to be highlighting is the fact Celtid want us PUNISHED, they want us to pay a HIGHER PRICE for being so successful.

Basically, “Rangers are doing well - it’s noh fair - STOP IT!!”.

The venal, hypocritical perniciousness of this club can’t be stressed enough. Yet, because it’s cloaked in the language of the oppressed we all take it up the arse like a Tottenham Court Road toliet trader.

The Gers ARE paying the price of our success - we will have to play more games than anyone else in Britain this season. Our only rivals for the SPL title will have to play two more games - they’ve will have a week or more between each of their last three. Our only rivals for the Scottish Cup will have no games in a month leading up to that final. Our only rivals for the UEFA Cup will have no games in the fortnight leading up to Manchester 08. All we’re asking is to pay TWO GAMES A WEEK - and maybe even for just one of the three weeks we should be allowed to complete our season. How the hell is that an unfair advantage?

Because, Lawell will say, let’s face it, it might help Rangers win all those trophies - and Celtic will sink to any level to avoid that happening. Even if we win fuck-all other than the CIS cup - even if we lose every one of our seven remaining matches and score no goals - a very real possibility - the only Old Firm honour this season is ours.

The SPL, since it’s inception in 1998, has provided two UEFA Cup finalists and three qualifications for the knock-out stage of the Champions League. That’s utterly laudable. You’d think they’d love nothing more than a piece of European silverware to their credit too, a crowning achievement for the top league in a nation of just five million souls. But, no, some of their members can’t think of anything worse.

Bitter? Me? yer fucking right. I got a text this morning saying the SPL were CONSIDERING moving Saturday’s clash with Dundee United. As regular readers of my bile will know, this Saturday is the day of my sister-in-law’s wedding and therefore the first home game I will miss this season, will be the last one Rangers play. I’ve stopped sending my sis-in-law rigged photos of her future husband kopping a fell with various burds on drunken nights out. She’s not believing me. She can tell I’ve done them on the Computer. Maybe it’s because her fiancee’s seen getting all intimate with Amy Winehouse, Samantha Mumba and Lena Zavarroni - I should maybe have done more research on the photo library - but she’s not postponing the wedding. So my heart leapt when I got that text this morning. And it sank like a Celtic Board-memeber’s self-respect when I picked up the morning newspapers half an hour later. No Go. Saturday it is. Frankly, I’d be delighted if the SPL made us play Dundee United next TUESDAY night - at least that way I could BE THERE … and then just drive straight on down the M6 afterwards.

They have to end all the SPL fixtures at the same time on the same day? That’s farcical! The Old Firm have virtually NEVER played at the same time or on the same day all season. And ye can be guaranteed that if we hadn’t got a run in Europe and still won the league, Celtic would be having a look into how many times they had to play catch-up or got first go at it over every SPL weekend of this season - a tenuous tale of damaged integrity would be winging its way from Kerrydale Street before Barry had even taken the trophy from the Clydesdale Bank bloke.

The Gers’ve made way for the SFA, for the memory of Phil O’Donnell and the Paisely weather - we’ve been more than happy to do so. We, of course, made no argument about any of those postponements. We’ve also been completely innocent in the fact that the SPL arranged a full card for the weekend of the CIS Cup final which we, negligently went and qualified for. The rain crept up Paisley Road West and postponed the East Stirling game? - another act of god - no-one’s complaining about the weather’s lack of Sporting integrity.

Asking Celtic and Co to wait from the 10th/11th May til the 22nd May to complete their last fixture is, in fact, surely TOO LONG a delay for these clubs to be at their sharpest. Let Celtic get the six points under their belts by playing this weekend and next. We’ll just have a couple of games during the week AFTER the Scottish Cup final. As long as yer all playing the same number of league games, it’s fair. We’ve been helping the Scottish national team and the SPL all season - we ain’t looking for a favour, we’re just looking for some manners. Simple reciprocation. But - hey - we ain’t gonnae shout about it. Manager and chairman are right to have a wee moan. But we ain’t gonnae go all “Martn O’Kneel” about it. Play the cards yer dealt, even if the dealer is incompetent.

But, with Manchester about to become like Fire Island on Labour Day, it’s hard for us punters all to focus on the SPL - so ye can imagine how our players are feeling. Celtic are quite right - make us play as many games as possible between now and Manchester - that way we’ll never outstrip ther fantastic “Seville achievement”.

Not that we could anyway. Lisbon saw Celtic win a European trophy and their fans invade the pitch for a properly ecstatic celebration. Five years later we won a lesser European trophy and decided we could also invade the pitch - coz we’re noh fussy - and we get baton-charged by the polis, fight back, and end up banned from defending the bloody thing!

Like Woodstock and Altamont, most of the differences between Celtic and Rangers’ big moments is perceptual. There were MORE fatalities and sexual assaults at Woodstock than Altamont - it’s just the Hells’ Angels don’t have the same PR. Hippies, like Hoopies, know how to play the game of emotional blackmail which glosses over their equally dissolute ways. Manchester is just down the end of the road - it’s not Andalucia. We are Rangers and, while, save for more lager than Guiness, our fans are exactly the same as Celtic’s on an individual basis, en masse we’re a totally different animal as far each group of fans and the media are concerned. As far as the Manc police - used to dealing with the inevitable trail of piss and sentimentality which blazes through Lancashire every time there’s an Old Trafford testimonial - are concerned this is just another Pictish invasion of debauchery, only bigger, and with something to play for.

See if I was you folk without a ticket - i wouldnae bother going. That’s because, you see, I have a ticket, and I want the Motorway kept clear!! ;-)

If we don’t beat Motherwell tonight, the SPL is over. If we lose tonight and Saturday, Celtic will be champions before we go to Manchester. Martin O’Neill couldn’t have asked for more. So let’s at least be different to them in 2003, to smash all comparisons with their 80,000-strong bandwagon-jumping phenomenon. First way to be different, I reckon, is if we all go topless next Wednesday, save for our scarves. We should all get greased up - perhaps sport leather chaps - buy whistles and glo sticks and start giving it “Oop! Oop! ” to a never-ending blast of high-energy disco tunes in the bars, squares, clubs and stadia of Manchester. We could drop Es instead of doing lager and we could turn it into the UEFA Cup Final Love Parade!! YESSSSS! That WOULD be different.

Either that or we could stop moaning, win the SPL and win the UEFA cup coz, ye see, in 2003 Celtic won fuck all. We’re going to Manchester to get away from the shite up here - but we’ll have to come back home some time so let’s have a sporting gob-stopper or two in our pockets. Tonight is every bit as important as NEXT Wednesday.

COME ON YOU TEDS!! We want Cake and the finest wines available to humanity!