EURO 2008 DIARY DAY 4: SPANISH VILLA … 3 OTTO’S WHISTLING KNUCKLE … 0 (After extra slime and pedantries)

Day Four and the steady incremental improvement in this tournament continues. The list of true contenders gains yet another joint favourite. And, suddenly, but subtly, the thirteenth contesting of the Henri Delaunay trophy enters the second act with the plot already thick and the audience already captivated by the juicy mystery of who will do it. On Saturday Portugal looked like contenders, more impressive than the Czechs before them. Pepe scored one and had one chalked off. On Sunday the Germans were the best thing yet, Podolski slapping in a brace. On Monday the Dutch ripped the world champions a new one while becoming the first side to net three goals at EURO 2008. But then Spain become first to score four, and David Villa the first in eight years to score a Euro finals hat-trick. Who the hell is gonnae win this baby?! And how many more scintilating goals and ultra-dramatic performances will we see? We’ve now seen all the runners and riders, and the range of stadia has been fully toured in all its proscenium arching munificence. The entertainment being doled out by these grounds, from Servette’s Stade de Geneve in the far west to Vienna’s Ernst Happel, furthest east, is akin to a syringe-full of adrenaline being imperceptibly needled into your vein before having its contents pushed home ever so slooooowly, slooowly, slowly, slo - sloooOOOOOOH MY GOD, I FEEL FAN-FUCKING-TAAAAASTIC!!!

Although, that exclaimed, yer very own Sammy Pepys here hus tae admit to being a bit donnered and kebabed by the second result of this Tuesday evening. It had all looked so good then it all went totally Sotirios Kyrgiakos. I was so glad to see The Greeks again. So glad to see another team having to stare into the Cyclops eye of Hellenic defensive hell. I love Otto Rehhagel, I love his ethic, I love his attitude - did you see him clearly mouth the word “dumpkoff” tonight as he slumped back into his technical area after Haristeas failed to play the easy pass? Quality. I love the way “Konig Otto” attracts his players’ attention from the sidelines: Not just the usual animated bellowing and gesturing but by whistling, and not just any old pursing of the lips or two fingers-in-the-mouth job either but, as per the manner in which his charges defend, by a crazy, manic, terrifying-looking manoeuvre which gives all the indications that Otto is about to chew off his own fist.

I wanted to chew off my own ears tonight. Yup. You guessed it.Usual. - the commentary team. The first appearance of Greece and Sweden in this tournament also brought us the first appearance of Peter Drury and Jim Beglin. Never mind the lack of media imagination which gave us “Greeks bearing gifts”, “Greek gods”, “Greece is the word” or “Greek odyssey” - if a Cyclops had a bad night on the sauce, fell asleep with his one contact lens ironed to his retina then woke up to find Odysseus and the lads slamming a kebab spit through his pupil, he’d still have more insight and vision about international football than this pair of myopic, bigoted, tired old fuckwits. In the name of Zeus - they even had me chuffed for Henrik fucking Larsson!

But, fair’s fair. If I was jerking-off last night because the Ducth, of all people, were avenging what the cheating Italians did to Germany and France at the last World Cup then it’s only fair that we should acknowledge just how much Hector, Paris, Priam and the rest of the Trojan boys would have lapped up what the Swedes did tonight. Don’t get me wrong - I’m going into Greaves tomorrow and I’m getting an XXL Greece top and, just so nobody thinks I’m a fan of that wooden horse’s arse, Samaras - I’m getting “Rehhagel 04″ printed on the back. I love what Greece did at Euro 2008. I love that theirs is the first CLASSY -LOOKING self-coloured strip in this tournament. I love that the guy who scored the winner in the last Euro finals marked his country’s next appearance in the finals by getting himself booked within a minute and that Greece had successfully cleared two corners within two minutes of kick-off. I’m all about The Greeks, me. I’m all about a bunch of solid pros becoming champions of Europe through sheer graft, tactics and determination rather than relying on some over-paid prima donna to get them out of jail with a wonder goal which never arrives.

But, for Sweden, tonight, a team with not much more overall skill than Greece, that over-paid prima donna DID provide the wonder goal. They’ll be dancing in the streets of Troy tonight. Having used their wooden horse trick in Portugal four years ago, this time the Greeks tried to conceal their murderous intent within a saintly, all-white uniform and for over an hour that beautiful, pure wall of heavenly defensive solidity remained unblemished. The day I was in Salzburg I travelled down from Munich and the train journey was one of the loveliest non-football/alcohol/nookie/grub-related experiences of my life. Mozart’s auld toon was itself coloured all-white. Salzburg in the snow seemed only bettered by Salzburg in the setting sun with a red (Bull?) sky visible above a symmetrical stadium roof with a huge screen hung from the corner eaves showing a close-up of the deity from Bremen they call Rehhagel.

But then the ignorance started. Greece passed the ball about at the back, Beglin and Drury decalred it evil and ridiculous yet, when Greece then sent a long ball forward - as per every other time they tried it - it went straight back into Swedish possession: Instead of pundit hubris, this was met with more microphonic contempt. “What on earth was that??!!” bleats Beglin. THAT, ya dickhead, is precisely WHY they were keeping the ball at the back - because they knew they’d give it away if they tried to play it forward. THAT, ya numb-nutted ingnoramii is a team, a country doing the very best they can to win a major tournament with what they have at their disposal. Beglin and Drury tried to tell us some of the Greek fans in the satdum were booing the Greek team’s keep-ball tactics. Bullshit! Just coz you personally don’t understand it, Drury, and are SHITTING yerselves that the more tactically clueless of yer viewers turn off because it isn’t 5-5, don’t LIE about the loyalty of the eternally-grateful Greek support.

Even saggy-faced Harry Redknapp was getting in on the act at half-time, describing the game as boring. It may have been without goals or attacking flare but that was down to HOW GOOD THE DEFENCES were, Harry! Why does no-one praise good defending when we’re all so quick to damn a side which leaks goals? It’s one-third of football. Attack, midfield, defence. Why is being good at one less praiseworthy than being good at the other two??!! And why oh why did no-one at ITV try to sell the public the sheer drama of the the fact the Greeks were running round the pitch blatantly trying to cripple every Swedish player they could??!! Now, wearing the only Umbro kit at the tournament and somehow managing to make Brazil’s colours seem bland is not a good enough reason for the Swedes to be taking kicks to the nads, back and rib-cage but - for fucks sake - why did no-one at ITVeraLynn pick up on the fact the Hellenic mentalists had obviously got a hold of their opponent’s medical records and were systematically trying to put every one of these strerling Scandanavians out of the tournament?

Mind you, when Harry later went on to almost mention us by name - “Glasgow Raaynjurs” - I just about shat myself and wanted the entire network to close down before the Flying Squad tuned in and Ibrox was once again taped-off as a major crime incident. If Old loveable ‘Arry gives you a mench in public, ye’d better have a good lawyer!

Half-time on ITVenal also saw a horrible, papal Bull-type advert for Celtic season tickets, strips, earrings, loo roll holders and whatever else you wanted to buy to make YOUR family a member of the - gag! - “Celtic family”. The tackiness of the whole arrangement was a lesson in the neagtive value of regional micro-advertising, but mostly it just made me wretch (I’m sure the adverts for the new Rangers strip will, of course, be the usual Powell and Pressberger number and Even Peter Lawell will find himself so dazzled by our Palme d’Or-winning commercial that he simply HAS to get down to the 1873 megastore for his XL Gers-ey with “Novo” printed on the back). Yet even this reminder of the evil from the east couldn’t stop me sympathising with Henrik Larsson tonight. Drury and Beglin’s bigoted outpourings - basically “England aren’t here so this is shit” - even stretched as far as insinuating Larsson was past it. Fuck me! He may be past his personal best but that still leaves him plenty room to spare before he’s past playing international fitbaw. The pundit from hell came up with this crazed notion that Latrsson should be shooting more. Ignoring the fact Larsson came on as a sub and won the Champions League for Barcelona with two passes, had they not paid attention to the previous games in THIS tournament? Klose and Torres - two-syllabled star strikers who PLAY-IN and SET-UP less mobile and less tactically aware striking partners. Beglin told us he REALLY THOUGHT Larsson should have retired for ever after World Cup 2006. An hour later Larsson has set up both Sweden goals.

Why do these people get paid to commentate on football. All they’re doing is ruining an almost un-ruinable product.

It was just like the fives with the boys fae work: The unfittest, oldest, pishest guy on the park was called AlexAnderson (that’s one for all you pyoor-dead-loyalist insiders who “know where I live”) but the one moment where Greece stopped defending like psychotic flies round shite - Kyrgiakos gives Ibrahimovic room to turn - was the moment they were fucked. What a shot form the big briliant nutter, after a lay-off with Larsson. Greece then demonstrated why they don’t open up and play the kind of stupid sucidal football the pro-English commentary teams want them to: They went 4-4-2 and their defence opened up like a repressed mother on Freud’s couch. Larsson played in thr killer ball but Kyrgiakos ened up pushing thr blade in himself. He’s so determined to go for the foul, every time, that he even attempted it on his own goal-line and a Johan Mjallby look-alike bundled it home for 2-0 and I thought Nikopolidis was gonnae start greetin.

Suddenly Beglin decided that, ye know what, Greece only won Euro 2004 because “things went their way in Portugal”. Fucking hell. Staggering. Things went their way? He’d better get onto the FA pronto coz I think the guys at Soho Square are paying Fabio Capello £7Mill just so he can sit about hoping things go England’s way. I mean, Jim Beglin could do that for half the price! We then had to listen to a diatribe about how Greece were not actually cheating but were playing the wrong way, morally - ethically. We had to hear that what Greece were doing - ie trying to win a football match in the same way they’d got past four of the best teams in the world four years ago and become champions of Europe - was JUST NOT DECENT.

Ye really couldn’t make this shit up. I listen to it every two years and yet its still amazes me.

Everyone seems to forget that Egland were the first team to win the world cup without wingers. That, in 1966, was seen as being disgustingly unethical and boring. Yet the same English media crowned Sir Alf’s team “the Wingless wonders”, and quite right too. Portugal were the most pretty-to-watch team at the 1966 tournament, apparently, but even they put Pele in hospital with a vindictive, viciously sustained assault on the guy’s knees at Goodison. England were the best in 66 - and so too were Greece four years ago. I went from wanting an ex-Celtic legend to do the business to wanting a current Celtic donkey to do the business. I would have loved it if Samaras had nodded in a couple of late ones - just to shut those gantry-infesting bastards up. 0/10 for the ITV commentaor-pundit team tonight.

And that puts them joint-bottom with Lawrenson and Pearce of the BBC. On goal difference, however, the Beeb’s worst pair stay bottom of the league as this was their second run-out at the tournament and they’ve yet to score a single point. It’s little wonder… wonder … oh, how I wonder …

Jonathan Pearce today asked out loud “You wonder where this performance by Russia leaves England”. No, Jonathan, I don’t wonder about that. I don’t have to. If ye check yer notes ye’ll find England are left AT HOME. They went OUT in the qualifiers. They aren’t AT THE TOURNAMENT.

He was trying to tell us that the side being pumped by Spain was the Russia team which defeated England in Moscow in the qualifyers. For fuck’s sake - no it isn’t. It isn’t even close:

RUSSIA TEAM WHICH BEAT ENGLAND: Gabulov, Alexei Berezutsky, Ignashevich, Vasili Berezutsky (Torbinsky 46), Aniukov, Zurianov, Semshov, Bilyaletdinov, Zhirkov, Arshavin (Kolodin 90), Kerzhakov (Pavluchenko 58).

RUSSIA TEAM WHICH LOST TO SPAIN: Akinfeev, Aniukov, Shirokov, Kolodin, Zhirkov, Sychev (Bystrov 46), Zyryanov, Semak, Semshov (Torbinsky 57), Bilyaletdinov, Pavluchenko, Bystrov (Adamov 70).

I mean, I’m just a casual football fan but even I knew Arshavin wiznae playing for Russia today and that he tore England apart in the October qualifyer. And a quick glance at the BBC website (that’s the website of the firm you work for, Jonathan Pearce) tells ye there are SEVEN other changes - EIGHT to the starting line-up. For fuck’s sake! I’m not even gonnae get into how Lineker and Dixon reacted to Strachan having a wee attempt at laughing at the fact Russia’s Kolodin has a name which sounds like “Culloden” and Russia were gettng massacred at the back. Give it up, Gordon - much as I can’t stand you ye really were being outclassed in the bitter stakes today: These EBC studio teams don’t do humour. They just do contempt for all things non-English.

I’ll focus on the fact that Spain, like Sweden, today proved the rule of thumb for sartorial splendour at EURO 2008 - teams wearing all the same colour on shirts, shorts and socks, will struggle. The fussier the strip, the better the result. Spain, thrillingly, were back in black. They’ve got the black and gold-topped socks back - always a classic element to their ridiculously royalist strip. If they could just get rid of the pin-stripes on the shirt now and get the shorts back to that glorious deep blue then what was once the best international strip in Europe will be restored to its full glory.

Spain were glorious today. They were as sublime as the badges worn by themselves and their opponents - all connotations of Ivan the Terrible and Ferdinand and Isabella. But the badges saw the only battle in which Russia could compete with Spain today. It was Guus Hiddink - a tactical guru - against Aragones - a racist guru. And Aragones wiped thw floor with the Dutchman. Torres did his Klose/Larsson impersonation by being the main man up front without scoring any goals but the fact he was the only “foreign-based” player on the pitch and the fact that he’s based in Premiershipland tempted Lawrenson and his monkey into making Torres the key to EVERYTHING. Apparently he learned to run down the inside-left channel in England - seems they don’t teach that in Spain!!!

Nah. You and I both know it was Senna, Xavi, Iniesta and Capdevilla running the show for Spain today, ripping Russia apart with beautiful diagonal inter-passing and stifling their every attack with industrious covering. Nevertheless, it was appropriate that Villa and Arshavin celebrated the first two goals in front of a banner with the name ERASMUS printed on: World Class genius mixed with world class work-rate. Spain thrilled. Lawrenson reduced it to contempt, again.. Even victories are described with contempt by this idiot: “What is it they call that?? - ‘ticky-tacky’or summit?”.

You have the feeling he knows the exact Spanish phrase for clever inter-passing football but that he doesn’t want to commit the cardinal BBC Sport sin of INFORMING the viewer. It’s all about backing up ignorance, and lacing it with as much borderline racism as possible..

And, of course, Lawrenson managed to tell us that the Spanish centre-halves were weak. Win 4-1 and yer weak. This is the Beeb. This is English broadcasting. Mind you, if he ever comes out with the phrase “You just have to ask, why on EARTH did Aragones leave Carlos Cuellar out of his squad …” he’ll instantly become part of the first commentary team this summer to get 10/10 from me.

Innsbruck’s stadium looked amazing. One shallow stand and three huge two-tier, steep-raked jobs falling on top. Amazing. And Manolo was there - his bar in Valencia is no doubt being robbed as we speak - and the Spanish again look like they could realise their historic, and historical, potential. Innsbruck-Tirol they call the place in which Spain did the biz. It’s double-barrelled. It’s hyphonated. Just like the stadium, that place name has two distinct connotations colliding, connecting. Like me - I always have to stop when I hear the names “Innsbruck” and “Salzburg” - even though I’ve been in one I have to stop, hyphonate, and think “Austria or Switzerland?”. But We should all stop and think about Spain. We should hyphonate Spain’s performances as “Group Stage - knock-out stage”. They started even better in the last finals tourney. They put four past the Ukraine in another Germanic town, Leipzig, and although Villa only got two that day, their former-Soviet opponents didn’t even score a consolation two years ago. Spain won their next two games, topped the group, and France did them in the last-16 without batting an eye-lid. The Ukraine made the quarter-finals in their first ever major tournament.

Even the teams we think are gubbed after just one round of games may yet come back to win this competition.

But the rain in Innsbruck fell mainly on the Rusian team today. They may have Arshavin back too late and, with no malice intended, I hope that’s the case. I want to see Greece turn them over then sneak one against a Spain reserve side in the last games of the group. Nothing against Sweden or Russia but I now NEED Greece to go through and at least get to the semis again, just to increase English media ignorance. For it is that very ignorance which got rid of Sevn Goran Eriksson, a man who consistently took them to quarter-finals it is that very ignorance which scared off the one man who won all those Quarter finals - Luis Philipe Scolari - and it is this English media ignorance which installed an Englishman in the job, an Englishman who took them from penalty-kick-eliminated quarter-finalists to total non-qualifiers, in the space of 18 months. I want that media ignorance punished until it forces a sea-change in the English public’s attitude and they force the media into the kind of open-minded football thinking which will get them the glory the oldest fitbaw nation in the world should ultimately deserve.

I’ll leave you with this thought - only pertinent if you had a good look at the benches in today’s games and, particularly, at the boat races of the Spanish and Greek managers: Otto Rehhagel is only one year younger than Louis Aragones! ONE YEAR!! Aragones is 69, King Otto is 68. Good to see that racists age as fast as their views and guys who win trophies by making ordinary players into great teams get the reward of eternal youth.

Mark Lawrenson is 26.

EURO 2008 Microphone League standings after Day 4:компютри
Tyldseley&Pleat - 10/20

Whatshisface&Peacok - 4/10

Whatshisface&Bright - 4/10

Motson&Bright - 3/10

Drury&Beglin - 0/10

Pearce&Lawrenson - 0/20