EURO 2008 DIARY DAY 11: WHAT GOES AROUND … 4 COMES AROUND … 0 (Sportsmanship sent off after 90 minutes)

Well, you have to hand it to the Italians - coz it’s safer. Ye don’t want them stabbing ye in the back, robbing ye and then suing ye for getting blood all over their nice new Valentino suit. I am, of course, referring only to the Italian football team and officials. I’ve enjoyed the unrestrained hospitality of a lovely Lombardy famiglia in the outskirts of Bergamo and the heart of Milano. Great race - smashing people. But, when it comes to the international fitbaw, generally, they’re scum.

If yer reading this blog on a regular basis ye’ll not only know you have mental health issues but ye’ll also be well aware of my violent falling out-of-love with Calcio and Gli Azzurri. The 2006 World Cup was the final straw. Won’t go over the details again - if you need more info simply scan any of my previous EURO 2008 rants and hone in anytime you spot the words “Torsten Frings”, “Zinedine Zidane” or “hypocritical, sleazy, unsporting basturts” - but it’s fair to say Italia were my last preference out of the three teams who could still claim the second spot in Group C this evening.

A brief illustration of my reasons for disliking the Italian national team so thoroughly these days could be found in their approach to tonight’s multiple choice scenario. If Romania turned over Holland in Bern then Italy and France were out, no matter what happened in Zurich The Dutch, of course, were guaranteed to finish top of the group no matter what happened this evening - they were under no pressure to do anything other than relax before their quarter final with Turkey. Much as I can’t abide Raymond Domenech, the Dad-from-American-Pie-look-a-like French manager, at least he said Holland had earned the right to do whatever they liked in their last game. France had dug their hole for themelves - it was up to them to do what they could to get ot of it. well said, Raymond.

But not the Italians. Donadoni is in the papers loudly assuring everyone that his ex-Milan team-mate and current Holland gaffer, Marco Van Basten, wouldn’t forget all his old friends in Italy and letting Marco know that if he ever wanted to manage Milan, as he may well go on to do, then he’d definitely not want to do anything to help eliminate the Italians tonight. Arrigo Sacchi - Van Bastens’ old manager at Milan and ex-Italian national team coach, sent the current Dutch manager an open letter, again encouraging him to remember his friends in Italy. Fucking unreal.

Only the Italians. They don’t ask for a favour, like an honest person might - they try to insist you have some fucking moral duty … to CHEAT FOR THEM!!!

Cunts.

All this preamble was to pressure Van Basten into fielding his strongest side against the Romanians. Yet no-one has batted an eye-lid when Portugal and Croatia, both winning their group after two games, rested many of their first-choice players for their third game. Everyone sees it as the right of a team who has made that room for themselves to relax before the quarters. Most people acknowledge the fact that when there are only 23 players allowed in any one squad, the term “reserves” is a bit redundant at a major finals tournament. Yet the Italians had us all thinking the Dutch were on the verge of committing blasphemy if they didn’t give it their all in a meaningless match. Blasphemy is, of course, anything which hurts Italy - not stuff like match-fixing or badgering fourth officials into using illegal video evidence to have a player dismissed for the planet’s showpiece game because he gave an honest reaction to the racist and sexual slandering of his wife and mother. No, no - that’s just “part of the game” for yer Italians.

Well, Holland fielded a side with 9 changes from their last starting line-up - and they still won. Will the Italians apologise to Van Basten for completely insulting his character? Naw. These cunts are just like the official Celtic line whenver the going gets tough. Once they’ve got their way, the self-respect bill goes in the bucket, along with the objectivity invoice, unpaid once again. Whinging, begging, malingering, devious, unsporting, football-insulting, competition-sabotaging filth.

So all those Rangers supporters representatives in the papers today, giving the Daily Retard and those other comics all the ammo they need, moaning about the fact we have to play three away SPL games out of four around Champions League qualifying time - and one them is in Siberia, or is it Greenland? … no, it’s INVERNESS! The horror! - sometimes that can take a whole five hours to cycle to from Glasgow! - had better take a long, hard look at themselves. Because yese sounded just like Peter Lawell, ye sound just like Martin O’Neill circa spring 2003 - ye sound like Jock Stein in the ear of every referee in the sixties and seventies who gave owt against Celtic. Ye sound like ITALY. Yer not “sticking up for Rangers” and ye certainy don’t represent this Rangers fan - I REPRESENT MYSELF, THANKS - yer just making a cunt of yerselves and, if anyone listens to ye, our club. Yer falling into line with the same pricks who went after Mike McCurry’s private life because he gave some dodgy decisions in favour of Rangers. Yer cow-towing to the kind of “thinking” which says that because a man fucks up in a football match, his whoring about on the fly proves he loves Rangers!!! Apparently now anyone who wants to give Rangers a break must have his private life hung oot tae dry - despite the fact there is abslutely no connection between the two. The tabloid media is not a mediator, thd Daily record is no arbitrator. It’s just the vindictive creator of canteen gossip for fuckwits with no life. Ye want a “conspiracy” tae get intae? See some of that energy ye waste readin’ Neil Lennon’s lips and working out how often Rangers have to play away from home in the league (I’ll give ye a clue - it’s roughly as many times as we play at home) well take one joule of that energy and spend it signing up for Amnesty International or the Red Cross, or click yer mouse on http://www.aiddarfur.org/site/c.ntJ2IeMTLuG/b.2257329/k.BF09/Home.htm , for example, or read about what’s happening in China or Burma. There’s wee lassies being raped on a daily basis in Darfur - hundreds of thousands have been killed and Britain and the US are loathe to even pretend to care because they’ve got money to think about. THAT is a conspiracy. THAT is scandalous. Football? That’s what we earn the right to enjoy for its own sake (And don’t ANY CUNT DARE do that “Oh, yer naive if ye think it’s JUST about football in this country” pish. If ye buy intae that plastic-fundamentalist SHITE then yer already dead in the water - if ye can’t love football for it’s own sake then fuck off out of football and go join whatever paramilitary group best expresses yer views). We got a hard time last season - yes - but it was partly our SUCCESS which made it hard and, at Rangers, we ARE a bit hard. We said our poec ethen but now we’re just beginning to soudn liek all those Celtic fans whinging about a graphic of a snapped crest on the back of the Daily Record - Getting yerself all shrieky and “it’s noh fair” about the fucking JULY/AUGUST FOOTBALL FIXTURES (two games a week? What’s the problem?) is the very opposite of what Rangers are about. Stop greeting. SHUT IT and WIN IT!

And now they’ll probably win it. Italy.

If Spain want to make the world believe they’ve finally come of age then there’s no better chance than the one they’ll have in Vienna this Sunday. It’s the world champions - that’s all anyone will remember if Spain put them out. But Pirlo and Rino G are suspended. Cannavaro is still out. Italy have problems. If Spain can finally overcome their first-knockout-round hang-up, the size of the scalp this Sunday can take them to ultimate glory a week later. I fucking hope they win their quarter anyway.

As usual the only thing worse than watching Italy do the busness - and, being fair (even though they never are), Italy deserved their win tonight if for nothing other than Buffon’s penalty save against Romania on Friday - is watching them do it with the BBC in the background.

0/10 for Motson - he couldn’t tell the difference between the two managers tonight, getting Donadni confused with Domenech - and Lawrenson, who excelled himself with the cheap, undermining pass-remarks he obviously feels are his forte. He waited til France went a goal down before he opined “wonder if Domenech saw that in the stars”. The France manager is a git and he is a horoscope lover, but it’s Lawrenson’s determination to wait until someone is losing the game BEFORE he starts retrospectively mocking them, which is so cowardly and lazy. He even invited a reply from Motson on the subject of Luca Toni’s series of missed chances. Motson hunmours him with “yes, five chances in twenty minutes - that’s a striker’s dream ” and then Lawresnon instanlty undermines the guy who’s been good enough to give him a response with a smug, patronising “well, obviously not!”.

And yet - and yet - Motty missed the chace to be equally cruel when Lawrenson watched the pictures of Donadoni mouthing instructions from the bench and commented “Wish I could read Italian”. Had Motty made the same remark, Lawro would have been right in there with “What, ye mean ‘LIP-read’, don’t you …”. Mark usually leaves his dry insults hanging in the dead air for a second or two to gain maximum import. This time, however, he quickly changed the subject lest anyone realised he’d just made a cunt of himself and … ooooh, for fuck’s sake, Eck! That’s enough bitterness for one night, eh???!! JEEEEEZUS!!! I’m wearing myself out - FFS!! What am I like? “…and then he said this…”, “… and then he did that …”, “… and then the Italians cheated like this …”. YAWN, YAWN, YAWN! GIVE US A BLOODY BREAK!!!

Sorry, troops. I’ll just round it up quickly now and get an early night:

Shearer’s shirt looked like something Brian Blessed would wear in a cameo role in Blake’s Seven … it was weird to see the two World Cup finalists playing in such a small ground - akin to seeing Argentina face Brazil at Pittodrie … Franck Ribery looked in some serous pain as he writhed about on the grass tonight …. wonder what happened with Thuram becasue if yer France ye will surely miss the player with most appearances in the history of the European Championships … The French then have Thuram’s replacement sent-off and ye know yer night’s not working out when Thierry Henry then puts a free-kick past his own keeper … the all-white strip won tonight and that breaks the trend set by France and Italy’s meetings in the EURO 2000 final and the 2006 World Cup final … it only took 23 minutes for Lubos Michel to show his first red card - who in UEFA is he bumming to keep getting all these top gigs? … How nice would it have been if Marius Nicolae had scored a hat-trick for Romania so a guy from Inverness Caley Thistle could have put the two best teams in the world out of the European championships??!! … how good are Holland, now that they’ve scored nine goals in the group stage … hope they lift it another notch in the knock-out stages coz it’d be phenomenal to watch …

There - I’ve ended on a positive. Good-night.

EURO 2008 Microphone League standings after Day 11:*
Champion&Pleat - 13/20

Tyldseley&Pleat - 13/30

Whatshisface Wilson&Peacok - 4/10

Whatshisface Wilson&Bright - 7/20

Motson&Bright - 3/10

Mowbray&Lawrenson - 2/10

Drury&Beglin - 4/40

Pearce&Lawrenson - 2/30

Motson&Lawrenson - 0/20

*NB - I’m ignoring the commentaries on the “second” simultaneous group game during the last of the first round matches, ye know the one on BBC3 or ITV4. Fuck it - I’ve only got one set of lugs and it’s not as if this league table has ever been that comprehensive, authentic … or even worthwhile.

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You’re currently reading “EURO 2008 DIARY DAY 11: WHAT GOES AROUND … 4 COMES AROUND … 0 (Sportsmanship sent off after 90 minutes),” an entry on FatEck.co.uk

Published:: 06.17.08 / 9pm

Category:: News

On a wet and windy June day two of the finest teams ever to grace the beautiful game, Thistledhub Select and the Lone Star Rangers, met in what was a specially arranged World championship Challenge match to celebrate the esteemed kebab house raconteur ‘Fat Ecks’ 100th ground visit. Referee Collina will have his work cut out today as both teams are lining up in royal blue jerseys, white shorts and black and red socks although the respective team sponsors, Kalashnikov and Deustchebank should help to distinguish the teams. The crowd at Cathkin Park was a world record 199,855 and they witnessed arguably the finest exhibition of football given since Brian Laudrup retired. After the team anthems (Dueschland Duestchland Uber Alles Dueschland for Thistledhub and the Yellow Rose of Texas sung acapello by Yashin like that scene in Local Hero) LSR won the toss and decided to play into the rain in the first half. Both teams started with attacking formations TS playing a 4-1-5 and LSR a 4-1-1-4 and early chances were aplenty. A Platini through ball saw Best shoot just wide under pressure from Faccetti and a Charles header from a set piece was well held by Yashin before a flowing move led to the opener from LSR. A Moore 1-2 on the edge of his own box with Beckenbauer created the space for Cafu who evaded a desperate Matthaus tackle before squaring to the unrushing Di Stefano, his first shot was well parried by Zoff but the Italian was helpless as Di Stefano pounced on the rebound to make it 1-0. LSR kept the pressure on for the rest of the first half and were unlucky not to go in at half time further ahead with both Pele and Cruyff spurning good chances.
The second half began where the first left off with a long range Zico drive being well held by Zoff. However Zoff then began an 11 man move that led to the equaliser. There seemed no danger to LSR when Carlos Alberto took the ball out of defence, the ball was passed across the back four before Platini took control of it. He played a short give-and-go with Gullit before passing the ball out to Best who had made a run on the right, his cut back was met by Puskas who dummied Baresi before sliding Maradona in on goal. The little Argentine could have scored himself after rounding Yashin but chose to square to the unmarked Walter and the German had the simplest task from 4 yards. The select were controlling the game now and it was no surprise when they took the lead. Again Maradona was the goal maker evading 3 tackles before back-heeling the ball into the path of Best and the Ulsterman fired high into the net. Matthaus nearly extended the lead when he shot from well over 30 yards but Yashin was equal to the shot. The game had been played in a good fashion however the pressure was beginning to show and it was no surprise when Baresi was yellow carded for a body check on Maradona and Faccetti followed him into the book for a late tackle on Best. This seemed to galvinise LSR and they equalised against the run of play on the hour mark. Moore played a long ball down the left where Cafu found the time to pick out Pele at the back post and the Brazilian made it 2 each. The game opened up and both teams created chances before LSR took the lead again. A Cruyff turn left Maldini for dead and his low cross was met by Zico who volleyed into the bottom corner for 3-2. Both goalies were berating their team-mates as the constant attacks were leaving huge gaps at the back. John Charles was lucky not to receive his first ever booking for a tackle from behind on Zico. He was punished though as the LSR stretched their lead directly from the free-kick. Zidane rolled the ball into the path of Zico and the Brazilians shot would have beaten 2 goalkeepers. At 4-2 down with 10 minutes to go Thistledhub Select started throwing caution to the wind. John Charles was pushed up front and with Alberto operating as a winger and Matthaus in midfield the TS were playing a virtual 1-0-10 formation. The tactic paid off however as Charles won a free-kick on the edge of the box. The cross was met by Gullit on the 6 yard box and the big Dutchmens header bulleted past Yashin for 4-3. With 5 minutes to go Platini hit the post with a curling 25 yarder and it looked like it wasn’t to be his night when he was caught in possession by Moore after a thrilling run from Puskas. The resulting breakaway saw Pele try his luck from just inside his own half however a relieved Zoff saw the shot safely fall over the bar. Collina signalled 4 minutes injury time and both Beckenbauer and Cruyff were lucky not to get their names taken for protesting. The rain was falling quite heavily by now however there was still time for one more attack. A Best cross was only half cleared and TS worked the ball wide again where Carlos Alberto was did well before crossing to the back post where Gullit out jumped Moore to nod the ball across the 6 yard line. What can only be described as a mighty stramash ensued, first Yashin blocked a Maradona poke, the ball fell to Puskas but Baresi was quick and blocked the Galloping Major before he could pull the trigger, the ball squirmed out to the penalty spot where Fritz Walter seemed to be waiting for it, the crowd held its breath as the German seemed to take an age to pick his spot before driving the ball low into the net beyond the despairing Yashin. The restart was held up as the ecstatic TS support came onto the pitch to celebrate the equaliser. No doubt Uefa will take action against the fans for this as they will the LSR supporters who could be clearly heard singing the Billy Boys during the playing of Carnival De Paris after each goal. The referee eventually decided to abandon the game with 30 seconds still to go and both teams were carried from the pitch by the celebrating fans.
The only sad aspect to the match was that the guest of honour Mr Fat Eck was absent. He had been reported as being unhappy that both teams weren’t playing more defenders and has denied he was spotted in Gt Western Road shouting ‘Catenaccio, why can’t they learn Catenaccio’ at passers by. He has since claimed he was in Ross Hall attending a hospital appointment to have calomine lotion applied to some jaggy nettle stings on his tender areas.
Both managers have blamed the referee for abandoning the game early and have asked for a rematch next summer.

For the record Thistledhub Select played over 5,520 games scoring over 2,591 goals, a rate of a goal every 2.16 games. Lone Star Rangers played 8,612 games scoring 3,207 goals a rate of a goal every 2.3 game. However try as I might I couldn’t get any games played/goals scored stats form Carlos Alberto’s domestic career in Brazil so his stats are missing from Thistedhubs totals. As a defender he is unlikely to have improved the goals per game ratio. Both teams played 6 world cup winners each. Only LSR has an Order of Lenin and a gold medal for Ice Hockey though so this cancelled out the better goals per game ratio of Thistledhub in my book. I know it’s a cop-out but I couldn’t pick a winner but I did enjoy reading the history of some of these players, quite phenomenal.

Archie MacMontford 06.17.08 / 9pm

Thistledhub 06.18.08 / 6am

Moses - Magnificent! as the ref / commentator you can call the result any way you like! 2 great sides with brilliant players.

As to picking ex-Gers, Gazza, Baxter, wee Willie Henderson and Chris Woods were all in my thoughts during selection, as were a host of other players. I am still baffled how both LSR & myself managed to pick only 11. LSR had players in his team that I would have had. I really enjoyed doing this, I didnt realise that I was such an anorak when it comes to football

I agree with you on the history of some of the players. How can anyone not be impressed by the careers of people like Fritz Walter, Pele, Puskas & Di Stephano?

OzzieBoyBlue 06.18.08 / 6am

Thistledhub, I know I wisnae the main man (he who goes a huntin’ and a fishin’ for wee allyB’s, and frequently bags one) but, fair doo’s.
I was thinking of Rangers players, especially Davie Cooper and don’t think he, or any of those you mentioned, would have embaressed themselves in what was a truely great game. (It had draw written all over it as AMMS could not have been able to placate the losing manager. I actually had 3-3 at the bookies. 25/1 was the best I could get. Caan’t.

Thistledhub 06.18.08 / 8am

OBB, Davie Cooper was a great player no question. As I am an old fart, Wee Willie was the main man in my youth. I had a look at him on my “100 years of Rangers” DVD recently and my son spotted him and said, “wow, what a player” I still think of him as the yardstick for wingers and Davie Cooper matched him.

AllyB 06.18.08 / 9am

Hey Oosie, you’ll never be the man! Not until you’ve been a huntin ‘n’ a shootin ‘n’ a fishin under the stars with Old Bald Eagle. You’ll wake up to ‘Summer the first time’ by Bobby Goldsboro and Lsr will be smokin’ somethin’ alright.
Tellin’ you, Possum, you’ll be the Ned Beatty character next time you meet up…think your drawn to the danger!

Who else where you thinking off from Rangers. Kirk Broadfoot, perhaps. He can take a mean long throw! Apparently Spurs ENIC are thinking of bidding £9m for him.

i’ll let you get back to your subbuteo!

OzzieBoyBlue 06.18.08 / 10am

AuntieSallyB, If we could get 9m GBP for Kirk, we could also try and get Naylor sold off to a championship side or, better still, get Gravesen to play a game. Now that really would be a miracle that even the wee hitler youth captain would find it hard to dismiss. (just think, Parkhead, a place for pilgrims and beggers, Oh, wait, it’s like that already) Big Kirk has his failings but, if you or any of your fellow followers from the East think you don’t have some players who would be before big Kirk in the queue out the door, you’re really living with your head in the clouds.
Anyway, you’ve just come on at subbuteo and, oh shit, you’ve just been subbed again straight away. Oh well.

Lone Star Ranger 06.18.08 / 11am

AMMS…brilliant…and even though I knew something about all these players…it was great fun looking over their careers and learning more about their lives. I don’t think I’ve tried that since the internet made information so accessible.

Cheers

Lone Star Ranger 06.18.08 / 12pm

Eck…watched the France-Italy game and overall the tallies had it. ESPN are showing the games and they interviewed Beckam’s boss Ruud Gullit during the show. Made some interesting comments about Van Basten and their Italian connections but always with a smile on his face…as if to say “Yeah we have friends there, but this is business” He even had good things to say about Donadoni and how the tally press were after him.

IMO, if the Dutch can keep their focus, they can do this. Oh, and never write off the Germans… 8-)…and watch out for the Russkies…aherm…in fact who the fukk can tell!!!!

Fat Eck 06.18.08 / 10pm

“… No doubt UEFA will take action against the fans for this as they will the LSR supporters who could be clearly heard singing the Billy Boys during the playing of Carnival De Paris after each goal …”

PML!!

Just watched the highlights on YouTube and they were nearly as good as the match report!

See the early editions of the Daily Record have their angle “Azure catering debacle as Cathkin crowd goes hungry …”

Fucking sensational, Archie McMoses, Sir! - was out my seat when Fritz hit the back of the net, and in his kinda weather too! Only a player of the elder Walter’s persistence could get through such a midfield quagmire - the middle of the pitch was definitely overloaded, judging by those two formations! :-)

Sorry I couldnae make it along in person but I just have two more saplings, fifteen tadpoles and a family of marshwarblers to be removed from my butt (nothing to do with Maybole - just a hobby) and then I’ll be back on the Grt Western Rd spreading the gospel accordng to Rehhagel.

The main thing is, though, my absence did not stop us beating the world record attendance - by a single click of the cathkin turnstyles! NICE! who was that 1 person, though, Moses? Who was that last history-making person in the ground? Please tell me it was Archibald Leitch!

Thistledhub, Lone Star - yer kings of the technical area, gents. Great selections, negligent tactics (come on, Eck - it was a fantasy game, FFS! - LET IT GO - I mean, this blog used tae be called “OPEN football” did it noh??!! ), superb signings and season-ticket sales through the roof. So now, of course, as a True Blue, ye understand I have to start calling for both your heads. I can pay yer managerial skills no greater compliment than standing outside yer front doors demanding yer instant dismissal. When a Bluenose says “get tae fuck”, he’s really saying “I love you”.

Humbled and proud to have such a game played in my honour. The compliment of my life. My only worry is how they’re gonnae fit that entire match report on my Grave stone … And I’ll want it in a nice font ,too …

Lone Star - totally agree: Now that we’re into the quarter-final stage of the Euros I’ve re-assessed the runners and riders and narrowed down my list of would-be tournament winners. That number of teams on that list now stands at EIGHT!! No joking!!

Turkey are total outsiders but they’re last ten minutes against the Czechs were so scarily spirited - they really did play like men possesed - that I can’t even discount them from lifting the Henri Delaunay.

ANYBODY’s, mate - anybody’s. GREAT tournament.

“They’re” - “their” - ffs!

FatEck.co.uk

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