EURO 2008 DIARY DAY 12: SPETSNAZ … 2 VIKING S … 0 (And then there were 8)

It’s been a great tournament for Jack and Megan White. Seven Nation Army has welcomed every player onto the pitch during this scrumptious soccer showcase and it’s clearly become the unofficial anthem for the fans in attendance as they belt out the base guitar intro with gusto when the ref leads the combatants into the amphitheatres of Switzerland and Austria. Seven Nation Army is the theme of a 16-team tournament and going into tonight’s final meaningful group match, in Innsbruck, only seven nations had qualified for the quarter-finals. And the eighth rider came from the east. And he was red and he was menacing.

The Russian federation itself is akin to a seven-nation army, given all the states it subsumes into its double-headed byzantine eagle of old-school imperialism. But the old USSR was more like a 70-nation army. In fact, it was the political, economic and military version of those adverts ye currently see on telly for Frubes - a lot of cheap, confused organisations getting together to combat the crushing capitalism of American marketing. Martin Amis described the total failure of practical communism as the great lacuna in 20th century thought. Many were beginning to call Russia’s failure to make the knock-out stages of a major finals the great lacuna of 21st century football.

No more. That hole of doubt’s been filled … and Sweden used to plug it shut forever. In adding Andrei Arshavin to the confidence glaned from Saturday’s narrow win over Greece, Russia have finally arrived. How appropriate that they did so against a team in Blue and Yellow, given the humilation served upon Moscow by the Ukraine’s success in the 2006 World Cup. The biggest of the many lesser partners in the Soviet Union’s infrastructure, the Ukraine provided most of the football glory for the CCCP, getting none of the credit. Jon Champion alluded to the fact tonight but the only Soviet clubs ever to win a European trophy were Dynamo Tiblisi of Georgia and Dynamo Kiev of the Ukraine. The only Soviet players ever to be crowned European Footballer of the Year were Oleg Blokhin and Igor Belanov, both Ukrainian, both Dynamo Kiev players. It was fitting for the Ukraine then to become the first Soviet breakaway state to really excell on the world stage, post-Perestroika. For years the men from Kiev, Donetsk, Dnipro and Odessa had watched Moscow claim the glory for all their greatest achievements. Ukraine made the quarters of the last World Cup. Now everyone knows the truth.

And even today, we know that the only thing Russia’s current squad requires in order to become potential World Cup winners is Anatoly Tymoschuk, the captain and fulcrum of Zenit St Petersburg …. and The Ukraine. Still, I bet Roman Abramovich has something up his sleeve - namely, a passport and a rather large wad of mullah - to make Tymoschuk a Russki by the start of the qualifiers for South Africa. Putin probably left a wee by-law in the Russian constitution. The same one Adrey kanchelskis used when he decied to play for Russia instead of his native land.

But they didn’t need Tymoschuk tonight. Russia finally have their place in a major knock-out round and I was thrilled to see it. The quarter-finals line-up is now complete and, from what I’ve seen it’s the perfect mix:

We have three electrifyingly exciting sides who look like they could tajke anyone on their day - Spain, Holland and now Russia;

We have two old warhorses who, although far from convincing so far, are famed for being slow at the group stages and, historically, have always improved as and when required - Italy and Germany;

We have one card which is not so much wild as totally fucking insane and is as likely to win 8-0 as lose 8-0 - Turkiye!

And then, on their group stage performances, we have my current favourites for the tournament: Two dazzlingly capable sides with all the nous, artistry and team-spirit required to do WHATEVER is required to win a tournament - Croatia and Portugal have the skill, the cynicism, the fitness, the belief, the ability, the experience and the desire.

Russia against Holland on Saturday night is the stand-out tie for me now. They’re all mouth-watering games but Hiddink against his own country and former employers and, more importantly, two sensationally compact and exciting sides, has me dribbling all over my XXL Deutschland replica shirt. If Russia score first in Basle and Holland have to go at them, all-out, it’ll be freakin amazing. Don’t miss it, folks - they’ll be tallking about it in the canteen for the rest of your life, no matter how many jobs you have, in how many different countries, before ye retire.

And then they’ll still be talkling about it at the bowling club … the post office … the retirement community in Benalmadena …

Talking of never retiring, Henrik Larsson almost scored tonight, with my favourite kind of header too - that one where the striker almost knocks the ball back towards midfield coz he knows the momentum will guide it in a loop round the keeper. He hit the bar and it was fitting that he should be the man to go closest for Sweden in what should be his final game at a major tourney. It was not fitting, however, of Ned Bolting of ITV to throw “Old legs, old team?” at him in the media mix zone afterwards. What a insolent cock.

Russia hit the bar twice too. They also hit the back of the net twice - and the moves which took them from under-achievers to potential Euro champs were befitting the talent in that squad of theirs. Arshavin came back from suspension tonight and proved he is a true legend. Sweden’s demise bears a direct correalation with Russia’s rise during this Group D campaign: The Swede’s started with a convincing win, then suffered the narrowest of losses, and tonight were outclassed just as Spain had outclassed Russia in Hiddink’s first match of EURO 2008. But then the Russians enjoyed a narrow win over Greece and tonight thoroughly destroyed the team between them and the knock-outs.

The passing-on-the-run diagonal combinations of Russia are stunning to witness. It is all very reminiscent of Zenit St Petersburg at their best (and even hints at resembling the robotically dazzling Dynamo Kiev under Valery Lobanovsky!) We’ve watched the likes of Ujfalusi, Karagounis, Mutu and Borowski in this tournamnet and we, as Bears, have had a wee chuckle to ourselves, thinking “Aye - but ye couldnae get past The Rangers in the UEFA Cup, could ye, Big Smoker??!!”. It was therefore a matter of quiet pride to see the one man who could get past us in last season’s epic UEFA Cup run, fashion degree graduate Arshavin, stitching up Sweden good and proper and taking his country into the realm of true contenders. As with Larsson’s success outside Scotland, ye want those who do beat The Rangers to excell coz it proves that only the very best can beat The Teds.

The Zenit boys were great tonight. But my man of the match was CSKA’s Yuri Zhirkov. He’s the left-sided Alan Hutton. He’s rangy, speedy, dribbles and tackles like mad and has a great pass on him. Scintilating.

We say goodbye to Sweden but we also say goodbye to the Tivoli Neu stadium. Innsbruck’s venue has inspired, even when watching it on TV, and that’s no mean feat for a 30,000-capacity ground. The national anthems were dramatic tonight - the rake of those sudden second tiers filled at each end with a seao of Swdes or reds, was almost as hair-raising as the incredible eulogy from Jon Champion about the mountain ranges twixt the fjords of Sweden and the steppes of old mother Russia. His “From Stockhom to Siberia” speech gets him and David Pleat 7/10 and I think they’re now uncatchable in the pundits league table, below.

What I would love to have been told by ITV, however, is the identity of the bloke pictured on the banner at the heart of the Russian fans’ big pre-match display? Was it Ivan the Terrible? Hope so. I like that kinda shit. And I love the irony of the fact these guys, all raised in a Warsaw Pact, communist state, are now wearing Nike strips and enjoying the biggest bonuses of any team at the tournament. Hiddink gets half a million quid just for getting them this far. Look at what he’s done with Holland, South Korea and Australia in the past and know that, just as the yanks always warned you, THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING!

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The Greeks, on the other hand, are gone. A theme of this tournamnet is that every group has been won after two matches and the winners field a weakened team in their final match. It’ll be interesting to see if this has any influence on deciding who makes the semi-finals but, tonight, for the thrid time out of four, the group-winning team’s reserves won their country’s third straight match. Spain are same as ever - great in groups - but we wait with bated breath to see if they can overcome the huge psychological obstancle of the quarter-finals, and the huge sleazy, skilful obstacle called The World Champions.

Fitting that Angelos Haristeas, scorer of Greece’s last goal in the European Championship finals before tonight - the winner in the 2004 final - ensured his country did not relinquish their crown by becoming the only nation at EURO 2008 which failed to score. Good luck to Hellas in the World Cup qualifiers.

And then there were eight, troops. And then there were eight - and four utterly heavenly games await us. I go off on me holidays in July. But I don’t want June to end.

EURO 2008 Microphone League standings after Day 12:*

Champion&Pleat - 20/30

Tyldseley&Pleat - 13/30

Whatshisface Wilson&Peacok - 4/10

Whatshisface Wilson&Bright - 7/20

Motson&Bright - 3/10

Mowbray&Lawrenson - 2/10

Drury&Beglin - 4/40

Pearce&Lawrenson - 2/30

Motson&Lawrenson - 0/20

*NB - I’m ignoring the commentaries on the “second” simultaneous group game during the last of the first round matches, ye know the one on BBC3 or ITV4. Fuck it - I’ve only got one set of lugs and it’s not as if this league table has ever been that comprehensive, authentic … or even worthwhile.

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Published:
06.18.08 / 9pm
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