EURO 2008 DIARY, DAY 13: THE EAGLE HAS LANDED!(DEUTSCHLAND … 3 Portooogaaalll … 2)

Max Morlock of Nuremberg wore the black 13 - he scored the goal which confirmed the West Germans of 1954 could beat the Hungary of Puskas, Hidegkuti and Kocis in the World Cup final. Morlock was adored by a young Nuremberg fan called Gerdy Muller - he went on to play for their Bavarian rivals, Bayern Munchen, and wear the black 13 for West Germany and score the winner in both the 1972 European Championship final and the 1974 World Cup final. Now the black 13 of the Nationalmannschaft is worn by MICHAEL BALLACK. He’s scored the winner in a World Cup quarter-final and a World Cup semi-final and, tonight, he scored the winner in a European Championship quarter-final as Deutschland, once again, prove that there is no such thing as luck in football, fussball, voetball or calcio: There are only the inconsistent and the consistent. In this game we love there is nothing more exciting than a team, a club, a country, who JUST KEEP DOING IT!

Tor! Tor! TOOOOOOOORRRRR!!!! Drei zu zwei fur Detschland am Basel!!

The three stripes on the trim, the black eagle on the white shirt, the most daunting national anthem in christendom and, of course, the result. These, meine Damen und Herren, are the trade-marks of the Deutscher Fussball-Bund. The only boring thing about Germany is that they ALWAYS find a way. In the shit-strom of truisms, ignorance, xenophobia and sickening jealousty which the English broadcasting networks throw our way during such tournaments, the biggest lie is that teams who play all-out attacking football, ALL the time, have “imagination”. In what world does someone who can only function one way and one way only, possess “imagination”?

The Germay team which won the European championships in 1972 was SENSATIONAL to watch, even for fuckwits with no idea about anything other than goals, goals, goals. The 1974 West Germany team was more reserved, more contained, more restrained - they had to be in order to defeat the Netherlands of Cruyff, Rep and Kroll in the WORLD CUP FINAL! The Germany team of 1954 came from two goals down after just 8 minutes against a side which hadn’t lost a match in FOUR YEARS and wouldn’t lose one for another two - oh,and that match was the World Cup final. The Germany team which won the 1990 World Cup did so with a bit of diving and by a solitary penalty kick in the final but enroute to that wn over Maraddona’s Argentina, Deutschland thrashed Yugoslavia 4-1 and did Holland 2-0 with some of the most envigorating attacking play the planet’s ever witnessed. On it goes. Germany are only boring in that they NEVER give in and they ALWAYS do as much as is humanly NECESSARY to win a game. Don’t ever let ITV or BBC convince you that’s a crime.

Boring? West Germany lost the 1976 European championship final on penalties, after coming from 2-0 down to draw level with Czechoslovakia in the Belgrade final, on the same ground where they’d come from 2 goals down to beat hosts Yugolsavia a few days earlier. West Germany, of course, equalised in the last minute of the 1966 World Cup final, against England AT WEMBLEY! West Germany were two down to Maradonna’s Argentina in the 1986 World Cup final in the Latino-friendly heat and humidity of Mexcio City before dragging it back to 2-2. West Germany were 3-1 down to Platini and Tigana’s France DURING EXTRA TIME in the 1982 World Cup semi-final in Seville - they came back to win on penalties before losing to Italy in the final. If so many comebacks, even in ultimate defeat, are the sign of a boring team then give me boredom every day of the fucking week.

Tonight, those Geeeeeymans again showed they are a TOURNAMENT team, they are a durable team, they are a flexible, adaptable team - they are a TROPHY team - and they have each of those asstes more fully than any othger nation on earth. Some countries win World and continental titles then fail to qualify for the next big event or, within a decade, are the laughing stock of the continent (France 1998 - 2008. England 1966 - 1976. Italy 1982 - 1984). When was the last time Germany failed to make a major tournament and, as Big Phil Scolari discovered tonight, when was the last time Germany failed to win a European Championship Quarter-final??!! Germany might not have won the World Cup since 1990 but they won a European Championship in 1996. Germany might not have reached the knock-out stages of the European Championships since 1996 but they’ve finsihed second and third in two world cups since then. Germany fnd a way.

And, tonight, they stunned us all again with their bravery, determination and ingenuity. Their manager wasn’t even allowed IN THE DRESSING ROOM tonight! Yogi Low had been banned from the touchline and banned from even talking to his team from half an hour before kick-off until after the game. Torsten Frings, their best player so far, was out injured. Their newest hot striker, Mario Gomes, has had a car crash of a tournament before tonight - he had to be dropped. Their opponents, Portugal looked slick, street-wise, hungry and just far too skilful for the stodgy but slow German defence so easily undone by Croatia in the grousp games. On this blog, even a big German Helmet like myself was predicting that Portugal, with a World Cup-winning coach, so many great individials and a newer, more clinical mentality after losing the last European Championship in the final game, would be too much for Germany unless …. unless they could once again confound the critics.

And once again, they did. On tonight’s showing in Basle, the only Portugal player who would have got into the Germany team wasn’t Ronaldo but brilliant, reliable wee Deco. He was the only guy who kept pace with Deutschland for the 90 minutes. For the first few minutes Germany put the boot in and hassled the shit out of Portugal. The Iberians were not going to be allowed to find their flow until it was far too late. Low looked at his squad’s possible advantages and used them with brilliant husbandry. Thomas Hitzlesperger was drafted in - he has a good shot so he used it whenever he could. Germany are the tallest team at the tournament - so plenty of high balls. Schweinsteiger and Ballack are also dangers at set pieces and coming late into the box from deep - Germany played to that. Friedrich was a standout against Ronaldo and while Lahm toiled a bit in defence he compensated by simply overlapping with the ball til he didn’t have to defend at all. Leverkusen’s Rolfes in midfield was utterly brilliant and Ballack just coasted through this game, loving every minute of it. Worried about the Germany defence? No problem - Germany will attack so much that their defence isn’t even part of thr equation. Portugal were 2-0 down before they realised the game had started.

Schweinsteiger was a creative genius tnight and his flighted ball in the 26th minute was worthy of being dispatched by the best aerial striker on the planet - Miroslav Klose: Like Michael Owen or Alan Shearer in his day, Miro now sets up younger bucks for goals in the groupo stages and doesn’t start scoring himself until ye really need him to. First knock-out stage, Klose makes it 2-0 to Germany.

But the move of the game was FINISHED by Schweini. It’s arguably the move of the tournament and the 22nd minute dissection of Portugal even forced the bigoted bastard who shall be known as Tyldesley to acknowledge, FINALLY, that Germany can play tippy-tappy, overlapping, speed-meisterish fitbaw when they need to. What a goal! Ballack and co ripped Portugal a new one by being more Portugese than their opponents. It was a sensational, sweeping move - all on a pitch imported from Fir Park too - and after it went to 2-0 only Klose’s propensity for drifting offside stopped Deutschland going 4 or five up before the break. Instead, Portugal pulled one back. But Germany didn’t buckle - the lucky black 13, the spielfuhrer scored the winner with another typical ghosting run and header and Portugal, for twenty minuets or so, were reduced to shooting from outside the box. Ronaldo? Never heard of him. Nuno Gomes? Nuno no-mark, more like! Simao? Sssshhhhimmmmmaaaoooowww Muthafuckaaah!!!

And, only when Germany scored their first goal - an earth-shattering move of precient brilliance - did ITV even dare to acknowldge that watching this country play football can actually be NICE, enjoyable, good fun, WORTH IT! The words “efficient” and “machine” were chucked into the pre-match build-up but there was clearly an editorial ban on clear-cut compliments about German international football which, if they’d just wake up to themselves, they’d soon realise is the closest thing to an English style of football which can win trophies.. Andy Townsend declared he was “praying” for Germany’s elmination because they’ve been so bad to watch. During the game, Pepe’s attempt to break Podolski’s neck was simple “obstruction”, whereas Friedrich’s stamp on Ronaldo’s ankle was “sinister”. There was all sorts of uneccesary whining about Ballack’s push on Ferreira at the third German goal and there was no mention of the fact Helder Postiga also scored in the 2004 European Championship quarter-final!!

David Pleat tried his best but his sidekick gets the ITV commentary team a whopping big ZERO out of ten. Why, I want to know, should we love Ronaldo when we were all asked to hate him exactly two years ago? There was nothing “sinister” it seems about Wayne Rooney stamping on someone’s testicles the last time Portugal were in a major quarter-final and it’s been forgotten just how sinister Ronaldo himself seemed when casually, softly head-butting and eye-balling his Man U team “mate” before kick-off in Gelsenkirchen in 2006.

Why is Ronaldo to be loved and adored, as he shits out of big games, refuses to shake hands with opponents at the end of the game and continually writhes about trying to have opponents dismissed or dives for penalties? Why is Ronaldo to be adored when Ballack and Lehmann, another two Premiership players, are clearly to be mocked and hated? Could it be because he’s (a) not German and (b) plays for Manchester “Club England” United?? We’ll see how qickly that attitude goes full-circle again when he fucks off to Real Madrid.

Even after the match, with Germany having utterly outclassed Portugal tactically, Matt Smith asked the ITV panel if the Krauts “deserved” to win. Their mix zone reporter asked the same of Michael Ballack. Germany scored more goals - that’s how football’s decided. How much more evidence do these people need? Mind you, it did take them all of thirty seconds to work out that Croatia and Russia could meet in this summer’s final and Tyldesley started to grasp PATHETICALLY at this potential fact somehow making England, eliminated by these two AND Israel, the third-best team in Europe.

Before the game kicked off in front of teh biggest pennant you’ll ever see , hanging from the Germany end and with the years 1972, 1980 and 1996 deatiled ominously (they’ll have a SEPERATE one for their World Cup-winning years - it’s not like they’re England and can get it all on one flag) , ITV showed footage of Lehmann actually lifting a sod of grass off the St Jakob’s pitch during a Germany training session and instead of using it as evidence of the venue’s playing surface being shockingly poor, ITV used it as an excuse to have a cheap jibe at Lehmann “looking for exuses already”. Well, even if he is off to VfB and doesnae play for Asrenal anymore, that was a disgusting piece of “broadcasting”. And, as it transpires, Lehmann wasn’t the one looking for excuses. Germany don’t do that - they just win and let England make all the excuses for LOSERS.

Hansi Flick looks like a fat Kris Boyd, does he not? Germany looked like European champions did they not?

EURO 2008 Microphone League standings after Day 13:

Motson&Lawrenson - 0/20