EURO 2008 DIARY, DAY 17: NEVER MIND THE COMMENTARY, FEEL THE GAME (DEUTSCHLAND … 3 Turkiye … 2)

I don’t have to think
I only have to do it
The results are always perfect
But that’s old news

Kurt Cobain might well have re-titled the song from whence these lyrics hail “Oh Germany”. Turkey have such admirable depths of fight and spirit … THIS MONTH. Germany have had it since at least 1945. Germany have it in their gene pool. No-one does come-backs like Germany. No-one ever has or ever will. But you won’t have heard that mentioned on the TV this evening.

As a Rangers fan, when the picture went on the blink during tonight’s live coverage my first reaction was, of course, to hurl a bottle of Buckfast at the screen then set about the nearest member of Greater Manchester constabulary. But, having spent the last hour or so wanting to set about Mark Lawrenson, the power cut caused by a Viennese thunderstorm probably saved my wide-screen’s life.

The objectivity of the BBC coverage decreases in direct proportion to the success of Germany in any tournament. But, even understanding that, tonight’s punditry went beyond the pale. It was just xenophobic. End of. Stomach churning, sickening, wilful ignorance and wanton hatefulness. I’m here to tell you Germany WON tonight. Yes, you heard right - Germany are IN THE FINAL and Turkey are OUT. Coz there is no fucking way you would have known that listening to Motson, Lineker, Hansen, Shearer, Ray Stubbs, Lawrenson or even Marcell Desailly. Never before have you felt more sure a team would be made to APOLOGISE for winning an historic semi-final.

They don’t even have to think. They only have to do it. The results are always perfect. But that’s old News.

Germany are in their SIXTH final, in the thirteenth edition of the European Championships. Of the eighteen World Cups staged by FIFA, Germany have reached the final on SEVEN occassions. At what point do the supposedly informed realise that here is maybe a bit mnore than “luck” in action. I won’t even go into the number of times Germany’ve gone out in the Semis and Quarter-finals. All I will say is that England have played in ONE major final. The England national team have reached the semi-finals of the Euros twice - but never the final. Apart from 1966, England have reached the semi-finals of one World Cup.

The most commonly heard word down the microphones after the final whistle tonight was “Lucky”. But the one word infusing every utterance from the BBC tonight was JEALOUSY.

There is a shocking level of stupidity on air when it comes to the use of the term “lucky.” Surely, had Turkey, in their second major semi ever, with nine major injuries/suspensions, managed to beat the serial finalists of international football, then THAT would have been closer to “Lucky”. Something which occurs once in a blue moon is more accurately described as luicky than something which happens more then every third tournament. The talk of “deserve” ignores the whole point of the game of football itself. Both teams know that they will win if they score more goals than their opponent - therefore, only when they have scored most goals in the game do they “deserve” to win. Alan Hansen tonight said the Germans “don’t do complacency”. As soon as he realised this could be construed as a compliment - a compliment for the Deutscher Fussball Bund, a sacking opffence at the BBC - he tacked on the quick addendum “they do ARROGANCE, yes - but they don’t do complacency”. You cock, Hansen, You soul-selling cock. Arrogance IS complacency!

A nation who can continually come back from the footballing dead and who continue to be light years ahead of any other nation in terms of consistency, despite being constantly portrayed as “ordinary”, could not do so with one ounce of arrogance in their make-up. On the other hand, a country whose media thinks they’re the best team at EURO2008 despite the fact THEY HAVEN’T EVEN FUCKING QUALIFIED …???!!! Now THAT is ignorance. The Germans do CONFIDENCE - inate self-belief - but they also do humility, concentration, respect for every opponent and objective self-analysis like no-one else. Germany will continually be one goal better or worse than WHOEVER they play. It’s called being a tournament team.

Yet, all this basic idiocy aside, there can be little doubt the overriding motivation behind any coverage of the German national team by our London-based broadcasting pater familias, is sheer fucking hatred. Lawrenson reached a new low tonight. Even when Germany were denied a stone-wall penalty this was merley used as a way of proving that everything else which went Germany’s way was only as a result of the ref trying to compensate for his previous error. Germany are one of the cleanest teams at this or any other tournament. The number of elbows going into German heads tonight from the Turks was obvious even in the limited pictures we saw - yet Lawrenson and Motson reached hysterical levels when trying to find some miniscule evidence of diving or under-hand behaviour from Germany. They were desperate to construe or concoct ANYTHING which might appeal to the Lowest Common Denominator of Little Engerlander viewer. My stomach was churning throughout thid game.

It shoudl have been churning with positive football excitement as the lead changed hands and the drama increased. But it was churning with disgust at such levels of xenophobia from the country’s supposed state-run televeision station. This was the BBC for fuck’s sake, spreading hatred.

Germay were sensational, as always, for thwir spirit rather than their all-round play. But when even the come-back kings of this tournament are out-come-backed, Germany make it spectacular on so many more levels. Germany are the most durable, spirited football nation on the planet, by a country’s length. They were hairy in defence tonight? Yes. But who lost two goals and who lost three? They weren’t THAT spectacularly convincing up front? Yes - but who scored THREE goals and who managed only two …against what was apparently the shittest defence ever seen on god’s blue earth?!!

Ray Stubbs said it was “congratulations Turkey” AFTER Germany had won a major semi-final, with semis being matches famed for their turgid aestheticism. He said Germany had “SNEAKED” into the final. This is pejorative terminology for footballing brilliance. This is ignorance. This is negligence on the part of the BBC. Marcel Desailly said Germany HAD to be congratulated but that they didn’t play properly … or some such other meaningless shite. It was disgusting, troops - Disgusting. When the TV commentary was lost it was out of the frying pan into the dire: Allan “I’m appalled” Greene came onto our speakers: “Germany have scored through Klose and if they win this now they’ll have NICKED it”. Fucking unreal! … as was their apparent disbelief when Turkey equalised late-on, just as they have done in their last three games.

Turkey were great and they were spirited but Germany are utterly brilliant. No-one does come-backs like Germany and no-one ever will. They’re that rarest of things in sport - consistent.

Motson and Lawrenson actually began to realise that, from an English perspective they had no right to slate Germany when the FA’s national XI has only been to one major final and haven’t even made it to this summer’s tournament. So they began to use the GREATNESS OF GERMANY’S FOOTBALL HERITAGE to slate this current German team. “Oh, Beckenbauer wouldn’t like this” - “Oh, Manny Kaltz would’nt put in shit crosses like Arne Friedrich’s”. That really was the height of desperation - using success to slate success. All that pair were doing was proving they knew enough about German football history to know better.

We had a sweep at work for the time of the first anti-German nuance or comment from Lineker. By the time I had a pick all the best times were well gone - I got 13 seconds! Fuck me! Big Dave wins the pot with 0.004 of a second. Now THAT’s lucky!

Germany started badly, Lehmann looked awful, Turkey hit the bar, Turkey scored. It was “disaster fur Deutschland” according to the BBC. It took Germany four minutes to equalise with a goal of beautiful simplicity and the most elegant of runs-and-finishes from Big Bastian the Pig Climber. Germany went 2-1 up after a bit of a mistake from Recber but a hell of a leap from Klose. Legend. Turkey equalised after great play and a wee bit of a helping hand from the German defence and, with just three minutes left, everyone knew … there wouls be a winner before the end.

Germany scored it with a piece of utter genious from Philp Lahm. You go in front with ten minutes to go - you lose an equaliser with three minutes to go but you still find the spirit, energy and skill to win the game before full-time. But Germany were lucky. Lucky, lucky, lucky. Apparently.

After their loss to Croatia in the group stages, the German players - fronted by Ballack and Frings - had a team meerting amongst themselves to sort some shit out. Christophe Metzelder, apparently, wasn’t up for it but words were exchanged. No-one left til it was agreed how to go ahead. The Germans fall out with each other, ALWAYS fall out with each other at tournaments, ALWAYS to make the team stronger. They don’t do huffs - so they certainly can’t do arrogance. That’s the preserve of the Dutch. The Germans just do WINNING.

Ballack then aproached Joachin Loew and told the maager he’d do as he wished and go forward more often, as long as Loew provided him with more cover - so you have Rolfes and Hitzlesperger covering behind Ballack now. But, more importantly, you have what Germany had with Beckenbauer and Klinsmann, with Uwe Seeler and Fritz Walter - you have the manager ON the pitch as well as the one in the technical area. No-one’s falling out - everyone’s just getting it fucking sorted. Once again the most “Ordinary German team we’ve ever seen” is in a major final. Happened in 86, 2002 and now 2008. And yet, some countries’ “greatest teams for a generation” can’t even make the semis… EVER!

As a Rangers fan who loves German football, 2008 has been an intense, rollercoaster year. This is the fifth time in four months a team I’ve backed - emotionally and/or finacially - is one step away from ultimate glory in a comeptition. This is the fourth semi-final I’ve seen this season which has gone the way I wanted it to. Arshavin broke my heart in Manchester - wonder if he’ll piss me off in Vienna on Sunday.

If he doesn’t I know a corporation of fuckwits who will.

EURO 2008 Microphone League standings after Day 17:

Motson&Lawrenson: -10/40 (that’s “MINUS TEN out of forty”)