The Greatest Game Ever Played (Thistledhub Select … 4 Lone Star Rangers … 4)

I’m nearing the end of my three-week summer sabbatical, troops (Sabbatical: From the Old Scots shhaafukinbaatikull ,meaning “relentless inebriation and pish-talking”). Will catch up with ye aw this weekend. We’ll waste no time in assessing the pre-season freenleys, the inevitable hysterical levels of importance piling up on the pre-pre-pre-qualifying qualifyer for the Champions League Of Certain Death, and we’ll get intae all the usual transfer pish. Kenny Miller must be discusssed - maybe that way no-one will have to boo him OR laud him - and Barry Ferguson must be sold. But, instead, our club capo gets injured and so, for the next four months we’re looking at the worst possible scenario; none of Ferguson’s skills on the pitch but still all his negative influence off it.

The good news is, if I’m this downbeat we’re BOUND to win the league.

In the meantime, Gordon Brown has been in touch, asking that I quell the impending nationwide riot by giving yese something to read in the shorter term. Apparently the levels of distress caused by a near 21-day absence of Fat Eck edicts has been the real reason for the troop withdrawals from Basra and Helmand Province. The Home Guard is on full alert. If I don’t throw a cyber morsel to the masses there’ll be a revolution, apparenlty. And it’ll be worse than the Paul Le Guen one.

So, in feeding you a cake-like sentence or two to satisfy the crazed word-lust, may I hand you over to the much more capable hands of our star poster, A Moses MacNeil Sandal as he speaks in the tongue of his alter-ego, Archie MacMontford. This, for me, was the most memorable moment on the threads during EURO 2008.

“On a wet and windy June day two of the finest teams ever to grace the beautiful game, Thistledhub Select and the Lone Star Rangers, met in what was a specially arranged World Championship Challenge match to celebrate the esteemed kebab house raconteur Fat Eck’s 100th ground visit.

“Referee Collina would have his work cut out as both teams lined up in royal blue jerseys, white shorts and black and red socks although the respective team sponsors, Kalashnikov and Deutschebank should’ve helped distinguish the sides.

“The crowd at Cathkin Park was a world record 199,855 and they witnessed arguably the finest exhibition of football given since Brian Laudrup retired.

“After the team anthems (Deutschland Deutschland Uber Alles Deutschland for Thistledhub and the Yellow Rose of Texas sung acapello by Yashin like that scene in Local Hero) LSR won the toss and decided to play into the rain in the first half.

“Both teams started with attacking formations. TS playing a 4-1-5 and LSR a 4-1-1-4 and early chances were aplenty. A Platini through ball saw Best shoot just wide under pressure from Faccetti and a Charles header from a set piece was well held by Yashin before a flowing move led to the opener from LSR.

“A Moore 1-2 on the edge of his own box with Beckenbauer created the space for Cafu who evaded a desperate Matthaus tackle before squaring to the unrushing Di Stefano, his first shot was well parried by Zoff but the Italian was helpless as Di Stefano pounced on the rebound to make it 1-0.

“LSR kept the pressure on for the rest of the first half and were unlucky not to go in at half time further ahead with both Pele and Cruyff spurning good chances.

“The second half began where the first left off with a long range Zico drive being well held by Zoff. However Zoff then began an 11-man move that led to the equaliser.

“There seemed no danger to LSR when Carlos Alberto took the ball out of defence, the ball was passed across the back four before Platini took control of it. He played a short give-and-go with Gullit before passing the ball out to Best who had made a run on the right, his cut back was met by Puskas who dummied Baresi before sliding Maradona in on goal.

“The little Argentine could have scored himself after rounding Yashin but chose to square to the unmarked Walter and the German had the simplest task from 4 yards.

“The select were controlling the game now and it was no surprise when they took the lead. Again Maradonna was the goal maker evading 3 tackles before back-heeling the ball into the path of Best and the Ulsterman fired high into the net.

“Matthaus nearly extended the lead when he shot from well over 30 yards but Yashin was equal to the shot.

“The game had been played in a good fashion however the pressure was beginning to show and it was no surprise when Baresi was yellow carded for a body check on Maradona and Faccetti followed him into the book for a late tackle on Best. This seemed to galvinise LSR and they equalised against the run of play on the hour mark.

“Moore played a long ball down the left where Cafu found the time to pick out Pele at the back post and the Brazilian made it 2 each.

“The game opened up and both teams created chances before LSR took the lead again. A Cruyff turn left Maldini for dead and his low cross was met by Zico who volleyed into the bottom corner for 3-2.

“Both goalies were berating their team-mates as the constant attacks were leaving huge gaps at the back. John Charles was lucky not to receive his first ever booking for a tackle from behind on Zico. He was punished though as the LSR stretched their lead directly from the free-kick.

“Zidane rolled the ball into the path of Zico and the Brazilians shot would have beaten 2 goalkeepers.

“At 4-2 down with 10 minutes to go Thistledhub Select started throwing caution to the wind. John Charles was pushed up front and with Alberto operating as a winger and Matthaus in midfield the TS were playing a virtual 1-0-10 formation. The tactic paid off however as Charles won a free-kick on the edge of the box.

“The cross was met by Gullit on the 6 yard box and the big Dutchmens header bulleted past Yashin for 4-3.

“With 5 minutes to go Platini hit the post with a curling 25 yarder and it looked like it wasn’t to be his night when he was caught in possession by Moore after a thrilling run from Puskas. The resulting breakaway saw Pele try his luck from just inside his own half however a relieved Zoff saw the shot safely fall over the bar.

“Collina signalled 4 minutes injury time and both Beckenbauer and Cruyff were lucky not to get their names taken for protesting. The rain was falling quite heavily by now, however there was still time for one more attack.

“A Best cross was only half cleared and TS worked the ball wide again where Carlos Alberto did well before crossing to the back post where Gullit out-jumped Moore to nod the ball across the 6 yard line. What can only be described as a mighty stramash ensued.

“Yashin blocked a Maradona poke, the ball fell to Puskas but Baresi was quick and blocked the Galloping Major before he could pull the trigger, the ball squirmed out to the penalty spot where Fritz Walter seemed to be waiting for it, the crowd held its breath as the German seemed to take an age to pick his spot before driving the ball low into the net beyond the despairing Yashin.

“The restart was held up as the ecstatic TS support came onto the pitch to celebrate the equaliser. No doubt Uefa will take action against the fans for this as they will the LSR supporters who could be clearly heard singing the Billy Boys during the playing of Carnival De Paris after each goal.

“The referee eventually decided to abandon the game with 30 seconds still to go and both teams were carried from the pitch by the celebrating fans.

“The only sad aspect to the match was that the guest of honour, Mr Fat Eck, was absent. He had been reported as being unhappy that both teams weren’t playing more defenders and has denied he was spotted in Gt Western Road shouting ‘Catenaccio! Why can’t they learn Catenaccio??!” at passers-by. He has since claimed he was in Ross Hall attending a hospital appointment to have calomine lotion applied to some jaggy nettle stings on his tender areas.

“Both managers have blamed the referee for abandoning the game early and have asked for a rematch next summer.”

About this entry

You’re currently reading “The Greatest Game Ever Played (Thistledhub Select … 4 Lone Star Rangers … 4),” an entry on FatEck.co.uk

Published:
07.23.08 / 9pm
Category:
News