CUELLAR: THE TRUTH

EXCLUSIVE: THE NEWS ALL GERS FANS WANTED TO READ; THE GOSSIP THE DAILY RECORD AND THE R.S.T. COULDN’T BRING YOU; THE INFO TOO HOT FOR THE SUN; THE EXPOSE TOO MURKY FOR THE ARDROSSAN AND SALTCOATS HERALD TO RUN:

The Sports Desk here at FatEck.co.uk can now reveal the REAL story behind Carlos Cuellar’s dumbfoundingly strange move from the World Famous SPL - described by Luis Aragones as “the finishing school of the Spanish international” - to the muddied backwater of the English, erm, “Premiership”? … “Anglo Premier League” is it? … “Premiership league of Coca Cola” …or whatever the hell they call that Mickey Mouse affair south of Hadrian’s wall.

Everyone knows that every Rangers fan worth his salt is hell bent on burning Ibrox to the ground on Saturday - to, ye know, show how much he loves Rangers. Unless Fergus McCann and Brian Dempsey appear on the steps outside the Main Doors on Edmiston Drive before kick-off against Hearts, the whole of Govan will be trashed by REAL Rangers fans - loyal died-in-the-wool Bluenoses who know that the best way to support yer club is to ridicule it in as many national media outlets as possible.

Everyone who is anyone knows that NOW is no time for anything as gay or kafflik as “perspective” or “focus” or “common sense” - what are ye? Gerry Adams??!! - NO!!! Now is the time for thinking and speaking only in Daily Record banner headlines. Anyone caught being anything less than OUTRAGED is obviously a Celtic supporter.

Why?

Need we wask? Everyone knows it’s because Carlos Cuellar, a man FLUENT in English according to everyone who tried speaking to him, Craig Brown and John Rowbottom at Friday night’s supporters do in the Ibrox Suite, had spent the entire summer visiting every Rangers fan in Scotland, at their houses, to personally assure them he’d spend the rest of his career at Rangers. I have my own meeting with Carlos, in my living room during the commercial break in Emmerdale, recorded on video - you can see it here: http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=b0RGb2YQ1ao - Note the moment where he signs my personal “Cuellar Contract Of Loyalty” in his own blood, after audibly swearing on the lives of his entire family that he’ll never even speak to an agent for the rest of his life.

And yet, he left us. And yet, he’s gone.

And no-one in Red, White and Blue is more puzzled than me as to why a really talented player in his mid-twenties, with no roots in Scotland, would want to leave the SPL for the English top flight. It’s certainly never hapened before.

Everyone is now quite entitled to rifle through every statement made by Cuellar, Sir David Murray, Martin Bain and Walter Smith in an effort to find out in just how many ways we’ve been lied to and - as the Georgians would say to the ethnic Russians in Ossetia (As if they folk know what a REAL crisis is! Huh! AS IF! God - Wish I lived in Gori right now instead of having to suffer the REAL tragedy of being a poor Rangers fan) - betrayed.

Wy did he do it?

Why did Cuellar activate that clause in his contract? Well it happened at Falkirk on Saturday. And I saw it close up.

Scroll down to my match retort on the Falkirk game if you need reminding. But I did the name-dropping thing therein, telling ye how I shook hands with Nacho and Carlos as they took their seats right behind me in the away end of our last game, the first game, of this SPL season.

In our excitement at having two players in our midst, we all burst into song: “There’s only one Nacho Novo” soon became “Carlos Cuellar - Rangers centre half”. But, apparently, it was only when at such close quarters with his admiring public that Carlos finally deciphered the full lyrics to his eponymous hymn:

AND HE’S REALLY SENSITIVE ABOUT HIS TEETH!!

“His teeth are fucked but we don’t care”?? No, we don’t - but HE DOES!

Cue irreversible Iberian offence. Off he goes to the first club which makes an offer, and which is situated within walking distance of a good orthadontist.

So there ye have it. Carlos Cuellar was self-conscious about his huge wallies. His slight over-bite was mocked by The Bears and his petted lip took him to Aston Villa…out of sheer desperation to get away from such a torrent of oral abuse.

Apparently the English clubs pay for their players’ dental treatment - even if it costs £36Million over five years.

I mean, what else could the reason be? It has to be the teeth thing. It certainy couldn’t be the fact that, with Nacho translating, he realised just how utterly amnesiac and petty the louder parts of the Rangers support were at Falkirk. It couldn’t be that, as his team mate Alan McGregor took a fresh-air swipe at the ball, right in front of Cuellar, he noticed the loudest reaction of the day from the travelling Bears, and that it was total vitriol and bile at the man who did more than his fair share to get Rangers to their first European final in 36 years and who would later save a Falkirk penalty. As he sat there, in row Q, counting the number of carriages on those huge goods trains going to and from Grangemouth (26), and the vast expanse of clearly visible industrial wasteland which he’d never have the privelege of seeing at such dumps as Old Trafford, Anfield, Stamford Bridge, Wite Hart Lane etc, Big King Carlos certainly wouldn’t havebeen thinking that half The Rangers support has the memory of a goldfish with Alzheimers. No. Carlos wouldn’t have thought to himself “One day they’ll turn on me like this”.

No. Because Carlos would know that real Rangers legends are never hounded at Ibrox: People like Sir David Murray - 13 league championships, seven Champions League Group stages, a European Final, countless domestic cups and finals, and redevelopment of the stadium into one of the best and safest on the planet - are ALWAYS sure of being repaid their loytalty at Rangers by the fans.

Walter Smith - the man who took us to that European final, to NIne In A Row and closer to the European Cup final than any other manager in our history - is also never slagged by the Rangers support. I mean, after all, it was us who screamed blue murder until he came back to us less than two years ago.

Because we know better. We Are The People and we are sensible people. We know that a real crisis, like Georgia, like Darfur, like going from 1978 to 1987 without a League title to our name an averaging crowds of 16,000 at home games, is insulted by the hysterics of people who want to whip themselves into a frenzy because a football club is keeping its books in order, just like its fan groups always demanded it should.

No. Carlos was insulted by what we said about his teeth. That’s why he’s gone.

Must be, eh?

Interesting quote from Ally McCoist today: “You find out plenty about people when things aren’t going so well and we’ve certainly had a testing week,”. He’s talking about the players though, is Ally. I’m sure he must be talking about the players…

Our result against Kaunas was undoubteldy shite. And shite always attracts flies - buzzy little parasites with a thankfully short life-span.

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Published:
08.13.08 / 9pm
Category:
News